Metal Up Your Ass - May, 2009

Thus, barely realising the distance we've covered, we stumble across May and with it the first real hints of summer. For some of us, May presents the opportunity for leather shorts and that black mesh t-shirt. Emo kids gradually find more to feel justifiably upset about as wearing a hood up indoors gets increasingly more uncomfortable and fragrant whilst, conversely, the skater punks slowly look less foolish for their reluctance to wear anything but shorts.

In Glasgow, herds of skinny-trousered, art rockers flee the slopes of Kelvingrove Park as sinewy, shirtless neds pursue a reign of terror, perpetually orbited by pitbull terriers and four-year-olds with pierced ears, bearing names like Jordan and Britney-Marie.

For the corseted, milky-skinned goths of Edinburgh, summer drops like a turd into fresh coffee. Leisurely strolls through the Grassmarket become urgently negotiated gauntlets, with shoulders hunched, dodging volleys of jeers from beer gardens full of Rugby players.

Up north, the sunshine rendering multiple layers of clothes less necessary and the granite-borne radiation still rotting their minds, an influx of riggers sees Union Street in Aberdeen finally morph into one gigantic, throbbing, phallus soaked in testosterone, booze and North Sea Oil.

Meanwhile the few living remnants of Dundee's waning post-hardcore scene scavenge under the safety of night for scraps of entertainment, but the lengthening days see them grow increasingly threatened and desperate.

And so it is that this colourful melee unfolds; a giant tapestry of life unfurling like a picnic blanket in the sunny noontime, driving many of society's margin-walkers further underground. Fortunately the world of loud music attempts to offer some consolation.

Anarcho-punks are the first to unite in solidarity as the less-than-subtle political misanthropy of former Atari Teenage Riot founder Alec Empire can be savoured at Ivory Blacks in Glasgow (3 May, also playing Reekie's Studio 24 the following night). A few days later Sneaky Pete's in Edinburgh is visited by the enormous metallic post-rock of Belfast foursome And So I Watch You From Afar (6 May).

Though they continue to release quality punk records, as evidenced by their forthcoming album, the head-scratching continues as to how Gallows, rather than any one of their many excellent peers, managed to break into the big time. Check their progress at ABC (8 May). Aberdeen's metal contingent makes an overdue attempt to represent when native metal boys Bloodnut first visit The Moorings (9 May) with Edinburgh's Man of the Hour and then Drummond's (13 May).

For some as-yet largely undiscovered and thus relatively unsullied kick-ass hardcore, watch Midlands group Throats hurl themselves crowd-wards, with support from local doom-jazz duo Holy Mountain, at The Captain's Rest in Glasgow (12 May). Then the following day see the equally exciting and feral Horse the Band vent their casio-meets-metal-core spleens all over Edinburgh's GRV (13 May).

Ivory Blacks plays grateful host to Discharge (15 may), the band many credit with not only the original formula for hardcore but the foresight to first mix metal and punk. Still going strong just shy of their 30th anniversary.

The Moorings in Aberdeen next plays host to Shetland's finest racket as Metal Hammer-approved Ten Tonne Dozer drop by (16 May) to unleash some true northern fury. The very next night, hailing from even colder shores but considerably less enraged, Finnish orchestral power-metal masters Stratovarius wage righteous war in the Cathouse (17 May). Glasgow's Black Rat Death Squad bring their pleasantly obnoxious blend of rock, roll and metal to Sneaky Pete's (22 May) the day before Studio 24, also in the capital, hosts Mayhem IV (23 May) featuring, amongst others, Viking Skull, the pure-metal outlet for former members of Raging Speedhorn.

Some fella called Blaze Bayley then stops off, first at The Moorings (23 May) followed by Ivory Blacks (24 May), to do his post-Iron Maiden thing a few days before having his modest celebrity eclipsed when Lynyrd Skynyrd, those legendary Neil Young haters, bring their southern charm to Glasgow's Clyde Auditorium (27 May). Free entry with every confederate flag tattoo.