#HOGMANAY2012

Hogmanay's roots go deep into Scottish history and culture – whether we're burning great big muckle 'hings in honour of Norse gods, bringing each other lumps of coal and flasks of whisky, or, as is now traditional, getting off our mash and dancing around in the freezing cold to either an 80s revival act or an international superstar DJ, the Scots know how to have a good time at New Year. We basically invented it – Auld Lang Syne is ours; we (probably) invented whisky; even New York''s famous Times Square ball drop pales in comparison to the fireworks display in Edinburgh (we probably invented fireworks, too). In short, if you're reading this, you're in the world's best place to celebrate the end of one year and the start of another with a fling, a stramash, or possibly even a hootenanny. But where to go? That's the big question. Let The Skinny lay out the options for you – whether you want to end up a gurning mess, hopelessly drunk, or fresh-faced and fit as a fiddle to see in 2013, we've got the gig for you.

The Pagan roots of both Hogmanay and the Winter Solstice, officially jacked by the church and re-branded as 'Christmas' – a lesser celebration involving turkeys and presents, certainly less worthy of your attention – are still visible in many Scottish communities. In Shetland, the festival known as Up Helly Aa (29 Dec, Shetland Islands, www,uphellyaa.org) culminates in the burning of a replica Viking longship. In a similarly explosive ritual, the residents of Stonehaven wave massive fireballs about the shop on Hogmanay (31 Dec, Stonehaven, www.stonehavenfireballs.co.uk) in a ceremony that stretches back a hundred years or more.

Even less well-explained is the customary Burning of the Clavie, which takes place in Burghead in early January (11 Jan), where locals elect a 'King Clavie' who leads a procession around town with a burning barrel of wood and tar. Reports that they leave ‘burning faggots’ on the doorsteps of local residents ‘for good luck’ could be easily misinterpreted, so we'll clarify – they mean peat, not Pete. Actual violence is more likely to be found on the mean streets of Kirkwall in Orkney, where a prototypical form of football is played. The Ba', as it is known, involves two teams of opposing locals, the Uppies and the Doonies, battering the living shit out of each other in order to gain possession of the fabled Ba' and bring it home to their side of the town. Often deadly, never dull, the Ba' has been played on New Year's Day or the second of January for hundreds of years, and with its regular ear-rippings, facial cave-ins and tramplings, it beats football hands down as a contact sport, and as a spectacle (www.bagame.com).

If merely staring at pituitary mutants punching each other in the face and watching stuff burn isn't enough excitement for you, then there are always explosives – by which we mean the mother of all Scottish Hogmanay bashes – Edinburgh's Hogmanay Street Party. A decade or so ago, Edinburgh's celebration was a free-for-all, with bands and DJs playing at the foot of the Mound, revellers gathering at the Tron Kirk at midnight, and no small amount of over-crowding. The general aim of the evening was for each reveller to snog as many people as possible – with policemen counting double, obviously. Nowadays, it's a more corporate affair, ticketed, and attracts huge numbers of visitors from overseas along with the booze-crazed locals.

The highlights of this year's Edinburgh Hogmanay include Simple Minds headlining the Concert In the Gardens, so if you're hanging out with your Dad, that's the entertainment sorted. Support comes from indie darlings The View, and afrobeat funsters Bwani Junction. Eyes on the Hogmanay website (www.edinburghshogmanay.org) for more acts, to be announced. If you're up for something a bit more raucous, rejoin the body of the kirk on Princes Street for REW1ND3R, which will see the whole street transformed into a massive rave, with the ominous prospect of a spinning 'wheel of requests' which will rewind drunken punters through dancefloor "classics" of the last few decades. The Waverley Stage also includes performances from Admiral Fallow, The Maccabees, Reverend and The Makers, Lau and a slew of other local faces. Tickets are £15. It should also be mentioned that none of the above will be half as impressive as the fireworks, which detonate on the bells. If you like explosions, you'll love this.

Another party happening in Edinbburgh on Hogmanay will take place in The Tron Kirk, which is super-special simply because that is the place where Edinburgh's world-famous Hogmanay started. Drambuie are sponsoring an event which will see the Tron transformed into a high-end night-spot for the evening, with sets from Ultragroove main man Gareth Sommerville, who regular Edinburgh Hogmanay clubbers will recognise as a mainstay of the capital's New Year parties, alongside the LuckyMe crew, who will be bringing bass madness and hip-hop style to the fore with sets from Eclair FiFi, The Blessings and S-Type. There are also mixology masterclasses for cocktail fans, and projections of video art by local artists. And at a tenner, it's five pounds cheaper than the street party. Alternamental!

Elsewhere in Edinburgh's clubland, you'll find events by promoters such as Musika, who are joined by Joris Voorn and Derrick Carter among others (The Liquid Room, £22.50), and Dr No's, who will be pumping out the ska, reggae and rocksteady all night long (Henry's Cellar Bar, £8). Or there's the terrifyingly vague Winter Wonderland Snow Party (The Hive, £10), promising electro, indie and, unfortunately, requests. Over at The Counting House and The Blind Poet, there's an epic gig happening with music from ska-heads Big Fat Panda and Victorian Trout Conspiracy and friends (£15). Vegas are at The Voodoo Rooms, doing their big band burlesque thing (£25), and The Caves host the rather wonderful Wee Dub Hogmanay, with Riddim Tuffa and Radikal Guru (£18). Excitingly, much-missed bass-loving scamps Volume! are back for one night only at The Newsroom, with DJs Termite, DFRNT and Kidill for a measly fiver. Balkanarama take over Studio 24 for the usual bout of live music, dancing and free plum brandy £15/18). Last but not least, The Bongo Club bids a fond farewell to its Holyrood Road home with a bash featuring DJs from Four Corners, Headspin and more (£10). All of these nights run late, too – check listings for details.

You'd be forgiven for thinking Edinburgh was the only place to get poleaxed on Hogmanay, but not so! Despite their 2011 street party being cancelled due to a lack of funds, and this year's Christmas and New Year's celebrations in George Square being fairly kiddy-oriented for the most part, Glasgow's got a ton of events happening. If you absolutely insist on being outside, check out the Ashton Lane Street Party, with special guest Sketch, plus DJs, live bands, street performers, and more bespectacled hipsters than you could possibly shake a stick at (£25).

If however you'd rather be in a nice, warm, sweaty club like a normal sane person, then you're spoiled for choice. Optimo are at The Glue Factory, a rare chance to see Twitch and Wilkes do their eclectic thing in a massive warehouse space (£20). Pi-Eyed have got bass warrior Taz Buckfaster and Bangface sonic terrorist Hard Crew Hero at Audio – and it's free, a proper rarity for Hogmanay parties. The Buff Club's devoted and faithful punters, who basically go there because it's inherently awesome, will be enjoying a bash that spills out onto Bath Street, and promises a piper along with the DJs (£10). Over at Bloc, we are promised a mixture of extreme sports and ‘rhythm, sound and vision’ from the Shaka crew – and blimey, it's free as well! The everything-goes-as-long-as-it's-good policy of Glasgow clubbing institution Melting Pot will serve you well at The Admiral, with the residents joined by house music duo 6th Borough Project (£10). La Cheetah hosts Vitamins and other local DJs, plus Detroit techno legend Terrence Parker (£15/20). The Sub Club have also got a bash on, details of which are sketchy as we go to print, but it's the Subby, so you can expect something special regardless.

If you fancy an earlier finish and mellower music, why not head to the Fence Records bash at Mono (£12) where The Pictish Trail will be joined by a host of other guitar-wranglers. Another civilised-sounding bash is the party at Cottiers, which sees in the New Year with a ceilidh and dinner (£65, www.cottiers.com/hogmanay). The king of this particular Hogmanay hill of beans has got to be Club Noir, who take over the Classic Grand for an evening of fancy-dress debauchery and burlesque (£20).

Of course, Edinburgh and Glasgow don't corner the market in Hogmanay celebrations. Dundee has the Mashed Up Nights party, with a whole host of local DJs (Soul Club, £7), and Stirling's Hogmanay celebrations include traditional music, fireworks and a family-friendly atmosphere. On New Year's Day, there's a party at the Ben Nevis Centre with music from Skerryvore and Mandarin (£15), which you could enjoy after a nice bracing walk up a freezing cold mountainside.

And back in Edinburgh on New Year's Day, there are a host of traditional, weird and wonderful happenings. The annual Loony Dook sees people braving the Arctic temperatures of the Firth of Forth, because, well, because they can, that's why. Apparently the cold water cures hangovers. Sports fans recreate primary school sports days and indulge in a serious bout of finding out who's fastest at the New Year's Day Triathlon (www.edinburghshogmanay.com/content/New-Year's-Day-Triathlon/1733) or the New Year Sprint (www.sportingworld.co.uk/newyearsprint), while dog lovers can show off their pooches and watch Huskie races at Dogmanay, in Holyrood Park.

So there you have it – a plethora of activities and opportunities for hedonists, heathens, holiday-makers and hellraisers. Whatever you end up doing, play safe, and don't forget your whisky! See you on the other side...