Crystal Baws: March 2013 Horoscopes

Our regular seer and prognosticator Mystic Mark predicts that March will end horribly. For everyone

Feature by Mystic Mark | 01 Mar 2013

ARIES
Your increasing appetite for extreme pornography reaches the point where you’re forced to mathematically calculate the theoretical erotic value of a gigadruple anal penetration. Feeding your data into Edinburgh University’s supercomputer, the resulting computer model confirms your estimation: that the simultaneous thrusting of a billion cocks into a single bum-pipe would cause a gravity well to form, pulling in more cocks from the surrounding area until eventually the penetration reached critical mass, exponentially penetrating the anus with more and more cocks until a black hole formed, orbited by an accretion disk of ball sacs. You print off the graphs and retire to the bathroom to study the results in closer detail.

TAURUS
This month after deciding to do a bit of DIY around the house you find yourself hobbling into A&E using your sawn-off leg as a crutch.

GEMINI
You fart so heavily in bed BP have applied for drilling rights to your duvet.

CANCER
Too pissed to go to church, you decide instead to eat loaves of bread on your living room floor while smoking incense joints, singing loudly and drinking more wine.

LEO
You’re 31 years old and your parents are still living with you? It’s about time they got their shit together and found their own place.

VIRGO
When Mr. Snuggles passes away you attempt to put him in cryostasis so that future generations can revive him. Shoving him in the freezer wrapped in tinfoil, you say goodbye. Unfortunately, since you can’t afford to put any money on the electricity meter, prepare to spend the end of the month scraping rotten cat out of your ice cube trays.

LIBRA
In March you get your bell-end caught in a hinge whilst staring through a crack in the door.

SCORPIO
It’s nice to know that someone out there cares about you enough to track you 24 hours a day with an ankle bracelet.

SAGITTARIUS
Your diet is a disgrace, next time you’re making yourself a cigarette sandwich try adding a bit of salad.

CAPRICORN
Failure to keep up with repayments on your dog means it’s repossessed by bailiffs.

AQUARIUS
Worried about food poisoning you put all your meals into condoms before ingestion. Shrugging off the funny looks of work colleagues you stuff an apple, a bag of Wotsits and rice pudding into an XL-Durex before proceeding to swallow it like an unblinking snake. Due to the lack of nutrition afforded by the condoms impermeable membrane you’re forced to eat almost constantly. To make things easier you tie a dozen food-condoms together like a latex sausage circle and let your guts perpetually pull it through you like a lubed up bike chain.

PISCES
This month you’re a bit overzealous with the rim-job you give your partner, and suck his skull out of the orifice in one go.