Crystal Baws: October 2012 Horoscopes
Your intestinal parasite has gotten rather large lately, and this month things cross a very special barrier when you finally become the parasite trapped inside its body. With your face pressed up against the side of its translucent digestive tract, you gurgle for help as it slides itself to the vets to have you removed.
Look inside your heart, it’s full of blood urgh.
Despite your staunch atheism and general lack of superstition that first wank after the death of a relative is always an uneasy one.
Like the crab, you’re at your best when you come smothered in creamy mayonnaise, accompanied by diced celery, chopped bell pepper, salt, pepper, lemon juice and served over mixed greens with a slice of avocado.
Lonely and wanting a friend you build one in your basement lab. Sadly, its superintelligent synthetic brain has no interest in chatting with you about your day at work. Instead it prefers to bathe in its tank of liquid coolant while it silently computes the infinite decimal places of pi. Eventually you become superfluous to its needs and it uses the metal arms you gave it to casually unbuild you.
This month you come up with a new twist to an old cocktail while reminiscing about your holiday in Ayia Napa. You call it ‘Anal Sex on the Beach.’ The finishing touch is the dark chocolate powder and strawberry sauce you generously drizzle around the rim of the glass.
Looking at the ingredients for the pack of 200 Fish Fingers that will make up your entire diet this October, you’re strangely reassured to find they are made from ‘90% mashed dog.’
Life is like an empty box of chocolates. You always know exactly what you’re going to get.
Watching birds flit among the trees as you stand solemnly at the graveside during this month’s funeral, you try and figure out the punchline to a joke about blue tits. Dead hookers in a winter alleyway? Something about them enjoying your garden? Freezing cold dead nipples? There’s a joke in there somewhere.
While thrashing around in the depths of your porn collection you contemplate the fact that every video broadcast ever made is rippling away from Earth into outer space. Eventually, an alien civilisation might intercept our pornography and try to piece together the reproductive system of humanity. From the looks of it, something about sticking it in the arse for a bit and then jizzing in the eyes.
You reassure your fellow conspiracy theorists it’s just a coincidence that crazy people also believe this stuff.
After millions of pounds and years of research into its tensile strength, heat resistant properties and engineering applications you begin to wonder if meat is really as viable a technology as you’ve been assuming.