Crystal Baws: May 2012 Horoscopes

Feature by Mystic Mark | 02 May 2012

ARIES

You’ve always told people you were an 'animal lover' but no-one ever thought you meant literally. In May you experience love at first sight when you and a sheep catch each other’s eyes across a crowded barn. People will tell you the relationship is wrong, but how can something so wrong feel so right and warm and moist?

TAURUS

By night you scour the winding maze of internet alleyways like a bum-thirsty sex priest.

GEMINI

Called up to fight the Taurans in an inter-stellar dream war your imagination is blown off by a landmine and your third eye is blinded by a photon catapult. You are the first of many a casualty in this meaningless and non-existent REM crusade. Awakening, you shower and go to work, feeling weighed down by all the brains that died in your head last night.

CANCER

Like a majestic dolphin you swim free through the clear blue waters of life, enjoying sex-play with your brothers and sisters and raping every available hole in a drowning fisherman with a pod of your triumphant brethren.

LEO

Unsurprisingly you’re late for work this month after you throw yourself under that train.

VIRGO

Venus, the planet of eating disorders, goes retrograde in your Bulimic Wellness Chart this month. But unless you can find some way of making vomit come out of your arse, that swollen bum is going to continue looking like a wasp-stung tumour whenever you look in the mirror.

LIBRA

Librans make great business people, their 'inner child' generating innovation and insight. Sadly right before a big meeting your inner child is abducted by a ghostly paedogeist in a white van made of smoke and nightmares.

SCORPIO

Quite right, it almost definitely wasn’t that ecstasy sandwich at 4 in the morning that caused you to miss your Job Centre Plus interview, it was that Illuminati chemtrail you saw yesterday that administered a tranquiliser directly into your subconscious.

SAGITTARIUS

Good things are happening to you this month. The end of the month, for instance.

CAPRICORN

As ridiculous as it sounds, some brainwashed idiots still think that tribal people were capable of building pyramids and even entire civilisations all by themselves without the help of aliens. For these sheeple, only the enlightening glow of the History Channel can awaken them.

AQUARIUS

Your technical skills in achieving your fetish goals reach new heights this month when you successfully scuba dive inside a whale’s vagina for a wank.

PISCES

Billions of years of bullying come to a head in May after Pluto 'does a Columbine' in response to being downgraded from a planet named after a Greek god to merely 'a lump of useless shit.' Mercury, the sole survivor, cries a super-dense tear: the only thing that will ever enter your sign again.