Crystal Baws: January Horoscopes
After going off the rails at New Year and thereafter orbiting through a belt of her own sick astronomers discover Venus is pregnant with another planet. Her mass increases until Nibiru is spewed from her steamy, churning womb with an Earthbound trajectory. This is your last New Year. Enjoy it.
Haemorrhoid problems? Try cramming a crystal in your crack; its vibrational energy and healing properties will ease your pain, probably.
Rupert Murdoch’s bought your sign and has turned it into a vehicle for celebrity news, thus there’s no predictions for you this month. I can tell you what Jordan’s up to though: Y-shaped all month as a scrum of neckless, tanned mutants vie for control of her stinking placky minge.
After impregnating Venus and bailing Mars now occupies what scientists are calling a 'bedsit orbit' around Proxima Centauri. This bodes unfortunately for Cancerians. Expect to spend a lot of time crying in a corner.
You don’t turn heads when you enter a room, rather you turn stomachs. When you smile your face resembles a Dobermann’s sphincter with a rancid jobby Mr. Whippying out into a bowl of dessicated guts.
Police are still on the lookout for the Holy Spirit (described as an odourless gas) and His effeminate, winged accomplice Gabriel, after a builder in drag on a stag night out was “immaculately date-raped” by mistake over Christmas. Keep a close eye on your wombs Virgoans, He won’t make the same mistake twice.
Saturn’s your big gas taskmaster. This throbbing ball of unforgiving hell-fire flies into your chart and marinates your existence in woe.
Opening yourself up to higher understanding by taking DMT you finally crack, superior knowledge taking its toll, and you get cataracts of the third eye.
I agree, if we're going to have homeopathy on the NHS why don't we have Crowley sex magick on there too?
In January you discover the CIA invented conspiracy theories to keep us distracted from the biggest conspiracy theory of all: that the CIA have been inventing conspiracy theories to keep us distracted from the fact the CIA have been inventing conspiracy theories. Your mind reels in recurrent paranoia.
No, what you do at the sperm bank is not 'quantitative easing.'
Still reeling from receiving no Christmas bonus? Fret not, the office offers many opportunities for the highly-motivated individual. The open plan nature of the workplace is ideal for tactical deployments that utilise cover while maintaining a large firing area. Memos, contracts and a red rain of ass fly as you Rambo your way into your boss’s office. Briefly you promote yourself to CEO before the police turn up and Swiss cheese you with a lead redundancy package.