The Dirty Dozen – December 2011
She & Him – Christmas Day (Double Six, 19 Dec)
Johnny: Is this it started aye? Shite.
Joe: This sounds like a hairy mince pie that’s been shat out. It’s shite, but she’s hot. So I’ll score her 3 out of ten.
Ian: For a Christmas song, 10 out of 10…
Joe: You can’t give her 10 out of 10 just because she’s hot!
Ian: …but for a song, minus 10.
Joe: We give this 'Tits out of 10'.
Band of Skulls – The Devil Takes Care of His Own (Electric Blues Recording, 4 Dec)
Johnny: Sounds like open mic night at Fury Murry’s.
Ian: I think that riff’s really shite, but the rest of the tune’s good. Unfortunately that riff is most of the tune…
Joe: If they played it through decent amps it might sound good, but it really doesn’t.
Johnny: Two out of ten.
Laki Mera – Crater (Mogwai remix) (Just Music, 5 Dec)
Johnny: This sounds like the last boss in Street of Rage 2.
Joe: This is shite.
Ian: I quite like the vocals…
Joe: Pish, they’re the worst thing about it!
Ian: It’s something I’d listen to in a warm bath; it reminds me of One Tree Hill.
Joe, checking sleeve: They paid top dollar to get Mogwai to remix that – that’s why it sounds like Kraftwerk.
Joe: 5 for this one.
Rise to Remain – This Day is Mine (EMI, 19 Dec)
Joe: Is this Shaggingforce?
Johnny: This is pure scuzz-core. Zero out of 10 – turn that one off, it’s shite. I hate that music so much. It makes me want to eat my own face from the inside out.
Ian: It makes me want to count my chest hairs.
The Lovely Eggs – Allergies (Too Pure, 5 Dec)
(Joe pulls a face like someone shat in his stocking…)
Johnny: Fucking hell…
Ian: Sounds like Echobelly or something…
Joe: It sounds like fucking egg and chips.
Johnny, spying the cover: Hold on, this is called egg and chips!
Skinny: Well, The Lovely Eggs…
Joe: Seriously? Well The Lovely Eggs sound like egg and chips.
Johnny: She needs singing lessons so she doesn’t sing in that accent all the time: [picks up the tune and starts crooning like a castrato Dick Van Dyke], ‘egg and chips, egg and chips, eeeegg and chips’. That’s what it sounds like: chips and egg.
Joe: Double egg, with an egg dip
Johnny: Egg, chips and egg, with an egg dip. Zero out of ten.
Girls – Myma/Lawrence (PIAS, 5 Dec)
Johnny: Is this at the wrong RPM? It’s pure slow as fuck.
Ian: The guitar tones are cool.
Joe: This is really reminding me of something but I can’t put my finger on it… Who is it?
Skinny: It’s the new single from Girls…
Johnny: But is it actually girls, or is it guys?
Joe: It just sounds like a straight-up Band of Horses rip-off
Johnny: And they’re not even girls – I’d call that false advertising. If I bought that, I’d expect to see girls, but no.
Ian: Compared to Rise to Remain, this is alright – I’d listen to this. I’d give it an 8.
Joe: 8?! 6.
The Vaccines – Wetsuit (Columbia, 4 Dec)
Ian: I’ve heard this tune [starts singing along].
Joe: 1 out of 10 for Ian’s singing. This song sounds like a scotch pie that’s been left out in Greggs for too long.
Johnny: This tune’s alright, 7 out of 10
Joe: No fucking way…
Ian: Make it 4 – it’s like Doves speeded up.
Joe: It’s more like Dove hand cream.
Johnny: Aye, this tune is Oil of Olay.
Twin Atlantic – Free (Red Bull Records, 5 Dec)
[Vocals begin; everyone starts laughing.]
Joe: Twin Atlantic! This sounds like my first pubes. Nah, actually, it sounds like my first pube, singular.
Ian: I’d listen to it if I was working out.
Joe: Aye, naked in front of the mirror with a hard on.
Ian: This is actually better than most of these songs, so 7.
First Aid Kit – The Lion’s Roar (Wichita, 5 Dec)
Johnny: This is just boring – it sounds like a cheese board.
Joe: It sounds like some lassie broke up with her boyfriend on Facebook and is posting shite from YouTube about how hurt she is…
Ian: Crying into her beef and tomato pot noodle…
Joe: They sound like their music needs a first aid kit – it’s shite, but we’d probably pump them, so 'Pumped out of 10'.
Theme Park – Milk (Luv Luv Luv Records, 12 Dec)
Johnny: This is just ripping off Talking Heads.
Joe: It’s not milky enough. It sounds semi-skimmed.
Johnny: It’s soy milk.
Joe: No way, soy milk’s good, I drink soy milk all the time so I’m defending it. This is definitely semi-skimmed.
Johnny: You can get a lower rating than semi-skimmed, it’s like white water.
Joe: Aye this sounds like purple milk. 1 out of 10.
Cast – See That Girl (Cast Recordings, 19 Dec)
Johnny: If I could say one thing to Cast, it’d be “Stop. Give up. You’ve had your day”. They played my sister’s prom…
Joe: You’ve got a sister?! Since when?
Johnny: Just a couple of weeks ago. She’s 86.
Joe: No, but seriously, how old is she? I seriously didn’t know you had a sister…
Johnny: I’d give this song zero – mediocre bullshit.
Joe: I’d give it one to represent the pound that they’ll make on their comeback. This is the musical equivalent of standing in a dog shite wearing your new trainers. Zero.
Skinny: Well that puts them above The Lovely Eggs…
Johnny: Eggs need to get the lowest score. Mainly because they’re called The Lovely Eggs.
Single of the Month: We Were Promised Jetpacks – Human Error/Ink Slowly Dries (Fat Cat, 5 Dec)
Joe: Is this Jetpacks aye? I’m playing a gig with them in December – doesn’t mean I have to give them a good review though. In fact, that’ll be a good talking point…
Johnny: This one reminds me of getting cleansed. It’s like using a nice shampoo and conditioner before I hit the living room with a wee glass of coke.
Joe: Nah, not coke: own-brand cola. Nae ice, not even chilled.
Johnny: Straight out the wee bottle.
Joe: Eight out of ten.