Crystal Baws: December Horoscopes

ARIES
Mercury is lubing up for another lunge at your orbit. Brace yourself for both good and bad news. The bad news is, despite taking a police baton to the head at an EDL rally in Yeovil, your great-aunt Eunice is discharged from hospital just in time to ruin another Christmas dinner with her questionable views on immigration. The good news is her pea & ham soup will taste better than the placental broth of the Christchild himself.

TAURUS
You see a strange light in the sky on the outskirts of Bethlehem. At first you assume it’s a star, marking the Second Coming of Our Lord. But hark! It is in fact white phosphorous fired in advance of an Israeli bulldozer squadron. There’ll be no room at the inn this Christmas. Or any walls.

GEMINI
Over Xmas dinner you try explaining quantum physics to your elderly grandma and she looks at you with the expression of a dog if you had just explained to it the offside rule. A mixture of confusion, indifference and mild hunger.

CANCER
Your doubts about whether this passionate relationship is “written in the stars” and “meant to be” grow when your new Australian soulmate, whilst making love, turns to you in bed and coarsely barks: “Before you slime, lob it in me shitter.”

LEO
Make sure to leave a whore’s stocking out for Satan, some intestines for his flying boar horde and a refreshing goblet of boiling hot goat’s milk.

VIRGO
The Three Wise Men scheduled to witness the birth of your son are detained at customs after a sniffer dog smells illicit ointments with a street-value of £300,000 hidden in a swallowed condom. After an enlightening search of their wizened anal cavities the substances gold and myrrh are also discovered by the festive rubber gloves of law and order.

LIBRA
Start the New Year as you mean to go on, sobbing and alone.

SCORPIO
After all those hints to your Dad about wanting a puppy, you see a gift moving under the tree and smile, only to open the packaging on Christmas Day to find a dried-out baby dolphin, flapping amidst the wrapping paper, gasping for air.

SAGITTARIUS
Your neighbours remain unimpressed by the 12ft neon Santa you’ve crucified on your lawn.

CAPRICORN
Your horse clops unsteadily forwards after you appear on Christmas Pimp My Steed, having been kitted out with spinning chrome hooves, tinted eyeballs, UV belly light, banging sound system and a hot tub “on back”.

AQUARIUS
Next year offers nothing for your kind.

PISCES
Christ finally returns for the Second Coming, just in time for his birthday, although this time his visit is cut even shorter when you immediately crucify him on an infant cross to alleviate your own personal debt of sin. Kind of like carbon offsetting.