Terra Nova – Sexy TV?
I like to rate the shows I watch on a scientifically acknowledged scale known as “IF THIS SHOW HAD TITS, HOW MUCH WOULD I WANT TO FUCK IT?’
Steven Spielberg’s Terra Nova gets a resounding ‘KINDA. But only if we were both really drunk’.
I get the feeling that Terra Nova was one of those high concept shows conceived during an overly long executive brainstorming session. I guess it only ended when one guy shouted ‘BATTLESTAR GALACTICA’ and another screamed ‘DINOSAURS’. ‘Battlestar guy’ then jumped giggling onto ‘Dinosaur guy’ and proceeded to kiss him on the mouth for a full 110 minutes. Spielberg rolled with it.
The show begins in the year 2145, where Earth has turned into an unlivable fucking mess. The planet is overpopulated, there is little to no vegetation and everyone is breathing air that looks like it has been filtered through Tom Arnold’s lower intestines twice. Ultimately the producers created a nightmare vision of the future that is actually just 2 years from now, then they just added 134 years so it would seem outer-spacey.
Turns out the reason the planet is so crowded is that for the last century people have been converting their vaginas into clown cars. In an attempt to curb the ever growing & terrifyingly unsustainable population, the government has enforced a 2 groin-cabbages per family limit.
As it turns out, telling people not to fertilise each other more than twice is easier to say than it is to do. In Chicago alone, your average bar stool will make women 3 times pregnant and I am guessing that even in 136 years it’s still going to be hard to coerce a girl in a space-suit into letting you ass hammer her.
To ensure that every man is shooting his load into a government approved condom, face or handbag instead of any uterine tubes, special population-control squads are dispatched to come to your house and count your kids. It’s like a really aggressive version of Sesame Street where Grover wears Kevlar and gives you a 312th trimester abortion.
Enter our hero ‘Jim Shannon’. Jim is a cop who plays by his own rules and fertilizes his wife like a real American: front-bottom & multiple times.
He has an illegal family of 3 who are too busy having their minds blown by him bringing home an orange (Sci-Fi Cliché Number 34637: mundane non-futuristic item making future people lose their fucking shit) that they don’t notice 6 heavily armed child-counters until they are poking Mars Bars laced prostaglandins under their door.
POW. Jim is arrested and sent to future jail.
While Jim spends 2 years explaining to his cellmates that having the last name of a girl doesn’t mean his asshole will want to make any sudden lifestyle changes, his wife, who is a super-clever doctor/scientist, is selected for project ‘TERRA NOVA’
TERRA NOVA: A PLAN TO SEND EVERYONE FROM THE FUTURE INTO THE PAST TO REBUILD SOCIETY.
It’s the classic scientific theory: Shit the bed? Just go sleep in someone else’s bed 85 million years in the past! I used a similar technique when I accidentally farted in my girlfriend’s mouth. Instead of apologising and fetching the Corsodyl, I just fucked off home and watched The Land Before Time in my pants.
His wife, Elizabeth, promptly accepts the offer and takes their 2 not-illegal children off to start a new life somewhere crazy. Since Jim is a ‘future cop’ he easily escapes ‘future-jail’ while simultaneously stealing back his 3rd child and breaking into the government's most exciting secret time machine.
Jim might look like 6ft of vaginoplasty mistakes, but clearly there isn’t a chicken-wire protected facility in the country that he can’t just sneak on tippy-toes in and out of.
85 million years in the past, Jim, Elizabeth and children emerge into a new beginning that just happens to come with hot and cold running dinosaurs. Everyone seems pretty surprised each time they see a Brontosaurus or a Triceratops, and these things seem to turn up every few seconds.
You’d think after the 30th ‘leathery 80ft giraffe’ lumbers into view, you’d get pretty numb to it all but these are the 4 people who just crapped their pants over a citrus fruit 10 minutes and 85 million years earlier.
Cut to the chase. Everyone in the new world needs to provide a skill and when asked what he can contribute, Jim calmly assures their leader that ‘GIVE ME A BADGE AND A GUN AND LET ME DO WHAT I DO BEST’.
Jim knows that crime needs fighting, no matter how many Tyrannosaurus Rexes happen to be chasing you.
You see, the basic plot is this: WILD CARD, ROCKS THE BOAT, LOOSE CANNON COP FIGHTS CRIME IN LAND OF THE DINOSAURS’.
Now that’s the kind of plot I respect enough to go down on and NOT try and put my finger in its butt.
The show promises mysteries, action and surprising twists. Although, metaphorically speaking, it pretty much sports the kind of dress that you need two haircuts to wear, I stand by my original 'would I fuck this show?' statement: Probably.