Phagomania: A World of Xmas Dinners

Feature by Lewis MacDonald | 07 Dec 2012

Everybody’s favourite weird food-staring column is back after a month off, which it spent roaming Vietnam in search of exotic delicacies. But that will have to wait until next month, for convention dictates that ’tis the season and if you are not going to say something about Christmas then shut up.

Thankfully for us, the Phagomaniacs, Christmas presents a time to truly leave our self-respect to roast on an open fire, with licence to gorge until we lie star-fished on the floor rubbing our bellies. Repeatedly. A time of tradition, we all have our own dinner favourites (be it with or without sprouts) to look forward to. But what about our good friends the silly foreigners? What are the rest of the world getting up to keep Rennie and Gaviscon in business?

The French may be dinning on oysters; the Czechs on fish soup and pickles; the Bulgarians on nuts, fruit and cheesy pastry (what, no meat?!); but the Scandinavians (particularly Norwegians) are really treating themselves, all having a version of ‘lutefisk’ – air-dried whitefish treated with lye. This gelatinous and pungent dish is perhaps best summarised by the fact it is subject to many a Nordic joke, such as ‘Well, we tried the lutefisk trick and the raccoons went away, but now we've got a family of Norwegians living under our house!’ Suitably upkeeping their rivalry, Sweden dug deep and came up with their retort: pickled pigs’ feet for Christmas!

For those who don’t know, I always enjoy the irony of the Finnish chowing down on some reindeer around Christmas. Hey, it’s legit, you know, to control the population? And Rudolph is so very, very tasty. I once had Finnish canned reindeer. Looked liked dark red tuna. Tasted like not the way to eat deer.

I’m not going to put the word ‘exploitation’ into anybody’s mouth, but the uncanny similarity of the Colonel and Mr. Claus has certainly put a lot of fried chicken in mouths. That’s right, our favourite culture-warping nation Japan have really got their wires crossed, or rather their white-haired men and poultry. KFC has risen to become the most popular festive dish in Japan with pre-orders apparently coming in two months in advance of Christmas. 

We’ve saved the best until last, but also to allow some time for this one to digest. The Catalonians have really outdone themselves here with Tió de Nadal.  On 8 Dec a hollow log is turned into a mythological character affectionately called Caga Tió (shitting log). He is usually given a face, nose, propping legs and maybe a wee red woollen hat. And then a blanket to keep him warm from the winters. Up until Christmas, Tió is fed a little treat each night until... BLAM! he’s thrown into a fire and beaten with sticks. The shit log now has to live up to his name, and ‘shit’ out the treats. Here’s a song (translated) to sing while you beat him: ‘Shit log, shit turrón (nougat), 
hazelnuts and cottage cheese,
 if you don't shit well,
 I'll hit you with a stick,
 shit log!’ The cheese is odd, but they are all nice things. What you don’t want to catch is the last items shat out, namely salt herring, a head of garlic and an onion – some sort of punishment or life lesson? There’s even a giant one constructed for a street festival in Barcelona. Why South Park haven’t cottoned on to this I don’t know unless I missed than one? Caga Tió... I shit you not. N.B. I think our Christmas would benefit with the addition of Tió. I can see him in a see-you-jimmy hat shitting Tunnocks tea cakes.