Phagomania: Freaky Aphrodisiacs

It's Valentine's Day! Phagomania examines the most disgusting, stomach-churning and disturbing aphrodisiacs from around the world. Take a seat, have a munch on a tiger penis... isn't this romantic?

Feature by Lewis MacDonald | 05 Feb 2013

You want to honour the Feast of Saint Valentine by enticing your courting partner into letting you lick them up and down till they say stop. But, oh, awkward – you can’t get your freak on. Fortunately you paid heed to the advice you read in that Phagomania column in The Skinny. You have sagaciously centred the evening’s meal around it. What could go wrong?

First you want to sort yourself out with some ambergris. Putting the ‘sperm’ into sperm whale, this waxy solid is sourced from the intestine of said whale. Typically the reason animal rights campaigners avoid perfume, it looks like a giant, dried-out bogey. Eat it.

Want to wine while you dine? Stick a few snakes in the bottle, ideally cobras. Whether that it is their 'essence' and snake venom dissolving in the drink, or the fact the high alcohol percentage rice wine is getting you randy, the start of your dining experience may not be a time for the debate.

Another staple of Chinese medicine, choose between the deer penis or the tiger penis. The tiger penis looks both longer and slightly more horrific, so please go for deer. Sun-dried in its majestic beauty or chopped into soup, it’ll get both your libidos up to 11.

If that fails, why not try some, Spanish Fly? Don’t let the fact that the Chinese created the first documented stink bomb with them, or the fact it's poisonous, deter you. It works by irritating the genitourinary tract, resulting in an arousing blood rush.

Although you’ll have really wished we had, we can’t skip by the atrocity of nature that is... the balut. Surprise your beau by serving up a lovely-looking boiled duck egg, garnished with chilli, lime and salt. Then allow for 10 minutes of incessant screaming. Inside that egg is the stuff of unhinged nightmares; a fully fertilised embryo. This is genuinely Haute cuisine in the Philippines and throughout Southeast Asia. 

Closer to home, try and get your hands on some casu marzu. Illegal to export out of Sardinia, this unpasteurised sheep’s cheese comes with a surprise party game to close the meal – maggots. The little blighters have digested the cheese fats for you and pooped out nutritious, runny cheese goodness. They can project themselves six inches out from the cheese. Fun for all the family.

The finale - time to take more aid from the Chinese and pop some blank ant tonic down. Don’t dwell too long on the packaging, especially the dubious 'main ingredient' list: “saffron crocus, cordyceps sinensis, snow lotus herb, snow deer penis, Tibet yak penis, sea horse...” That should do the trick. Now you're ready for love!

An italian family enjoying casu marzu: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pM-IXqEyfOo