A Toy the Block

What would you do if an extraterrestrial landed in your neighbourhood? It’s a question that has undoubtedly crossed many people's minds since E.T. first pointed his shiny finger demanding to run up a seriously long distance phone call. Yet not all cinematic first contacts involve wide-eyed children, mild cross dressing and flying bicycles. With Attack the Block, Joe Cornish asks: What would happen if an alien landed in the wrong South London council estate? The answer: It would get its head kicked in. In the following retaliatory invasion, its friends confront the ‘tooled up’ London youths on their turf, thus a battle ensues between what are possibly the most terrifying beings in the universe and some aliens.

Perhaps better known as the ‘Joe half’ of TV/radio duo Adam and Joe, Cornish was always the more cinematically inclined of the pair, attending film school and directing their early attempts at filmmaking. So with this month’s release of his first feature film, The Skinny took the opportunity to delve into the archives of their late 90s TV show to present the definitive top five of those memorable and oft quoted classics: the toy movies. Looking back one could say these adaptations of contemporary cinema truly represented the zeitgeist; perfectly captured cine-literate snapshots of the irreverent 90s culture. Two troubadours railing against the constraints of their time and attempting to recreate the big budget American imports to which they were exposed at their local multiplex. On the other hand they may just be the results of two grown men playing with stuffed toys in their bedroom and told they could broadcast it on national telly.

1. Toytrainspotting (Trainspotting)

‘Who needs reasons when you’ve got Sherbet’

The first of the toy movies, Toytrainspotting helped make The Adam and Joe Show a hit. Alongside the violent Bean Bagbie, Spod, knitted sheep Sick Toy, and stuffed pig Runton star as the sherbet addicted miscreants choosing not to choose toys.

(Sick Toy, whilst affecting a Sean Connery accent, lines up a sunbathing Ken Doll and toy rottweiler in the sight of his air rifle)

Sick Toy: It’s certainly a phenomenon in all makes of toy.
Runton: What do you mean?
ST: Muffin the Mule, Gordon the Gofer, Sooty and Sweep, Keith Harris and
Orville… You’ve got it, then you lose it, then it’s gone.
R: Some of Orville’s solo stuff’s not bad.
ST: Merely a blip on an otherwise uninterrupted downward trajectory.

(Sick Toy shoots the rottweiler, causing it to attack the Ken doll)

R: For a big poncy knitted lamb you sure are an evil shot.

watch video here: 

Toytrainspotting

2. Shakesbeare in Love (Shakespeare in Love)

The real tragedy is that the world will probably never experience the sensational play within a play, Romeo and Juliet Bravo.

Romeo: What light through yonder window breaks? ‘Tis a panda car and Juliet Bravo is within.
Juliet: Romeo, Romeo, this is Juliet Bravo where for art thou? Over.

watch video here: 

Shakesbeare in Love 

3. American Beautoy (American Beauty)

Molester Burnham, a cuddly monkey, ogles his daughter’s friend, a cheerleading Barbie.

MB: Too bad she’s under 18.

Barbie: Only just, I’m 17.99.

watch video here: 

American Beautoy

4. Toytanic (Titanic)

Dancing below the decks:

Rose: Jack, this is amazing! Is it always like this in third class?

Jack: Yes, being poor is fantastic!

watch video here: 

Toytanic

5. Twat (Snatch)

Guy Richtoy in conversation with Mark Cousins’ Tortoise.

MCT: Now we come to the climactic fight scene featuring Brad Pish. This is a stylistic Tour de Force.

GR: Well there’s no fucking bikes in it, is there?