Crystal Baws: January 2014 Horoscopes

ARIES
This month you invent an ingenious solar powered bulldozer for decimating the Amazon rainforest in a carbon-neutral manner.

TAURUS
Though you can sometimes come across as a shark-eyed velociraptor of a human there is some goodness in you, like that time you threw a fistful of change into a beggar’s face.

GEMINI
You decide it would be more cost effective to cover your entire home in green screen wallpaper and then add your possessions or furniture in later during post-production.

CANCER
The donkey you thought you were in love with has been taking you for a ride. Waking up in the barn the morning after with no wallet you call the bank and find that it went and bought a brand new sports car, MacBook Pro and a massive sack of grain on your credit card. You never should have trusted that beautiful bastard.

LEO
You decide it’s about time you accepted your guilt and confessed at church about all that priest spunk you swallowed back when you were an altar boy.

VIRGO
In order to make waking up in the morning quicker, try changing your alarm clock to the sound dolphins make when they’re on fire.

LIBRA
After being on the waiting list for an organ transplant the NHS inform you that they found a second-hand one at a car boot sale at the weekend. It’s a bit dusty and out of tune, but it has a real warm sound and the previous owner has taken good care of it, despite years on the road. As you drift off in the operating theatre, you see the nurse wheel it in, packed in ice. The doctor even plays a sad tune on it before he laboriously lifts it up and unsuccessfully attempts to jam it inside your body.

SCORPIO
After having your heart broken by so many girls it’s nice to meet one that only breaks your liver.

SAGITTARIUS
Your attitude to work is much like God’s. Work for a week, rest on Sunday and then never go back to work ever again. You also expect to be constantly praised for the fact you even went to work in the first place.

CAPRICORN
Your levels of gorm are running dangerously low.

AQUARIUS
Your mouth is so clean you could eat your dinner in it.

PISCES
Typing “What is the calorific value of circumcised foreskin?” into the Weight Watchers website gets you placed on a very exclusive watch list. It seems such a waste to throw them all away, you figure, might as well fry them up with a few onions, what can be the harm in that? The jury however are unmoved by your argument of “waste not, want not”.