Crystal Baws: September 2013 Horoscopes

ARIES
All those hours under a microscope carving your CV in tiny hieroglyphs onto chicken beaks comes to nothing. Not a single employer even bothers to reply. You start to wonder what you’re doing wrong.

TAURUS
According to your doctor that gaping hole in your face is called a ‘mouth’.

GEMINI
Wary of your allergies, you check the back of a tin of beans to find it reads “May contain traces of AIDS”.

CANCER
Next time you wake up with hideous memories of the drunken bullshit you spouted, send your friends an apologetic text in the morning rather than having a robotic terminator travel back in time to kill your mother and prevent you from ever being born.

LEO
To save on condom costs you simply have your penis laminated in a searingly hot lamination press.

VIRGO
As a chemistry teacher with lung cancer and no way to pay the medical bills, you find your only option is to take out a massive loan in your wife’s name, burdening her for decades after your death.

LIBRA
Your Tory lover takes your 'Friends with Benefits' relationship a bit too seriously, making you fill out forms to prove you’ve actively been seeking and/or have been available for sex each week. Your lover reminds you that you could lose your Friends with Benefits status for up to 13 weeks if you: leave a sex act voluntarily; fail to take part in a mandatory sex act; fail to produce a completed sex diary when asked.

SCORPIO
If you can't finger-bang the one you love, finger-bang the one you're with.

SAGITTARIUS
This month you finally give your heart to the person you love, throwing it through their bedroom window attached to a brick.

CAPRICORN
Grappling with sanity, your psychiatrist suggests it’s about time you moved out of that hall of mirrors.

AQUARIUS
Having recently invented the first economically viable means of commercial space flight so people can experience zero gravity in specially rented pods, you are aghast to find most punters merely use the service for 'space dogging.' Through your porthole window, floating scrotums, breasts and the majesty of the cosmos reflect off the weightless tears rolling all over your eyes.

PISCES
You wake to find your entire life has been an elaborate screensaver.