Crystal Baws: July 2013 Horoscopes

ARIES
After weeks of paranormal torment you discover the reason your fridge barks like a rottweiler, your walls have been bleeding, and gallons of maggots have been erupting through the phone receiver; it’s your dead uncle, Frank, trying to contact you from beyond the grave to let you know everything’s fine and not to worry.

TAURUS
For the female Taurus your outgoing side is reflected in the fact that you’re never afraid to get your tits out, even in the middle of a cold field. They hang from you like wet bagpipes, and you’re not averse to masochistically attaching them to large erotic pumping machines in the bedroom or letting your partner don their shoulder-length rubber gloves to romantically tickle your cavernous insides with their entire arm.

GEMINI
Don’t give up! Give in.

CANCER
Curious about your past lives, you go to a therapist and regress hypnotically to discover you were actually once your own grandpa. You wake with memories you cannot shake of having riotous sex with your oiled up, moaning grandma.

LEO
This month, after leaving them overnight in a restricted zone, your nipples are clamped by the local council.

VIRGO
Life is like a dog. It’s hard understanding what’s going on, you eat whatever comes near your mouth, fuck anything you can down the park and you’re easily replaced once dead.

LIBRA
Uncharacteristically your anus doesn’t bleed at all in July. You assume something is wrong and sheepishly pick up a pregnancy test from Boots. After locking the bathroom door, you carefully squat to defecate on its special detecting strip. The results appear to be positive. Weighing your options, you decide to book an appointment with the local backstreet bum abortionist.

SCORPIO
Your masturbation sessions are so exhausting you need to load up on carbs beforehand and isotonic sports drinks during. Your personal trainer runs in at one point to massage the balls and keep them refreshed.

SAGITTARIUS
When you put your mind to it, there’s literally nothing you can do.

CAPRICORN
You’re going to have to pull your finger out if you’re ever going to get this job. Probably worth washing the finger as well.

AQUARIUS
Your terrorist cell endeavours to harness the power of Cosmic Ordering, collectively wishing for the London Eye to spin off its moorings and crush entire packs of fleeing tourists. Please wait up to 28 days for the Universe to process your order.

PISCES
In July you’re excited to hear our sun is about to go supernova! Enthusiastic to witness this once in a lifetime opportunity you rush outside to capture it on your phone. Experts warn however, that looking directly at the exploding sun may lead to permanent eye damage and recommend the safest way to enjoy the event is via pinhole projection. You watch excitedly as both Earth and your precious eyeballs are utterly obliterated.