Crystal Baws: April 2013 Horoscopes

ARIES
April sees you discover a demonic real-life computer game cheat written in an ancient grimoire. Jump, jump, blink, blink, squat, step forwards, step backwards, wink. All of a sudden you no longer need a poo. This only works so many times though so use it wisely. After that it’s absolutely horrible.

TAURUS
This month, Dyson’s ‘no loss of suction guarantee’ proves fatal.

GEMINI
You have a bad habit of believing that the Universe isn’t just a meaningless, futile void, that it should stop doing what it’s been doing for 13.7 billion years simply because you’ve turned up. The only thing that is ‘meant to be’ is that you’re a highly-evolved food tube whose every action is of absolutely no consequence to anything, doomed to one day be utterly erased from existence leaving no mark whatsoever on the pointless Cosmos you once subsisted in.

CANCER
Maybe you should cut down on the amount of sugar in your tea. But then again, maybe you should get a job and stop masturbating through your neighbour’s letter box.

LEO
Despite all the evidence you still believe that Robocop died for our sins.

VIRGO
Foolishly you turn up to your first meeting of the Mass Debating Society with five bog rolls and a litre of lube. As it turns out, it’s just a load of people sat around arguing. Even so, you manage to crack one out over a heated discussion about military intervention in Syria.

LIBRA
You notice your search history contains the terms ‘sexual diseases you can get from animals,’ ‘inflatable priest,’ ‘man farming,’ ‘planning permission for tree house brothel’ and ‘abused by robot dad.’ After the routine deletion of your cache a pop-up window asks if you’d also like to delete your personality.

SCORPIO
Moving into that haunted house turns out to be a shrewd move on your part as you soon find a use for all the viscous puddles of ectoplasm left around the place by wailing spirits and demonic poltergeists. Starting this month you begin churning the ectoplasm into gallons of the richest, creamiest ghost cheese.

SAGITTARIUS
Unsure about what exactly your character is supposed to be feeling during the porn scene you’re shooting, the director takes you to one side and sagely whispers: “Your motivation is that you’re getting fucked really hard in your arse.”

CAPRICORN
Imagining all the things you could do if you won the lottery, you fantasise about being able to pay your rent on time and buying anything you like from the chocolate aisle in Iceland. Even in your wildest dreams you're still poor.

AQUARIUS
The fact you were in the army should have dulled your senses from the roar of murder all around and left you a bitter, emotionless husk. Instead you manage to surprise everyone at a party by pulling out your acoustic guitar and singing a love song so sweet it proves you’re more sensitive than a freshly peeled bell-end.

PISCES
“It’s my party and I’ll bum the dog if I want to” fails to stand up in court.