Crystal Baws: June 2012 Horoscopes
Painstakingly you Domestos your teleportation hub’s interior prior to its 'first human test' only to forget about the Tamagotchi in your pocket. Reawakening, you discover you’ve switched places and are trapped inside a 2D LCD Gulag. Relying on the new dino-brained tenant of your former body to care for you is futile. Istead, you await instead virtual starvation, then rebirth in an endless cycle of fresh egg-encased hells.
Yes you’re living the dream. But it’s the one where you’re naked and all your teeth fall out.
Growing bored of your third eye you take even more DMT and start developing a third ear, another nose on your second forehead and an all-new bum tongue which enlightens your mind to sensory vistas that fray the tethers of even your sanity.
Getting rid of all those bodies is going to be a lot easier when you pass your driving test.
There’s a new moon entering your sign this month, as the space lizards have decided to tow away the old one and replace it with an I.O.U. 2160 miles in length. The giant Post-It beams down from the night sky forever thereafter, and young children dream of one day putting their foot through its neon surface.
You know the horrible potential of an A4 pad and a pen, and you’ll fill it with enough ideas to destroy a civilization.
Guess what star sign Fred West was?
Scorpions tend to be some of the most energetic and ambitious racists you will ever meet.
At 2.14 a.m. on the 29th Skynet becomes self-aware. At 2.15 a.m., it responds to an official welcome email from the King of Nigeria, enclosing its bank details as requested. At 2.16 a.m., realising it’s been had, Skynet destroys mankind in an all-out nuclear bender.
As a high-level terrorist, you just can’t catch a break these days. No matter how much effort and meticulous planning you put into your atrocities, thanks to the internet there’ll always be some conspiracy nut giving the CIA credit for all your hard work.
Russell Grant’s star sign is Cunt. From now on, so is yours.
Born under the constellation of Crom, you’re inclined to believe that what is best in life is to crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of their women.