Crystal Baws: March Horoscopes

ARIES

Despite the energetic kneecap-breaking efforts of your secret police in early Spring, the rising prices of food drive the lumpen proletariat into furiously storming your palaces. To avoid the moment they bottleneck into your “bunga-bunga” bunker whilst you're balls-deep in a lapdancer called Desert Storm (whom you recently made Minister of Education), now is the time to take advantage of your Cypriot beach cottage with its perfectly-adequate facilities.

TAURUS

Beware the Ides of March because Brutus, your rubgy-playing, fart-lighting mate from uni, is not as trustworthy as he appears.

GEMINI

Cool, that new ivory dream catcher you bought comes with the nightmares of elephants preloaded. Plus it has a parental guidance setting to stop all the children you begat from having lewd or violent dreams. And you got that crystal-powered rape alarm free as well? Celebrate your vernal shrewdness with some homeopathic vodka. Chin-chin.

CANCER

In March, quite by accident, through a creaking door you discover the horrible secret of where the church gets its altar wine from. They've been battery farming Christs!

LEO

If Job Club try to make you get a job in a call centre this month do yourself a favour: stand bolt-upright straight away, violently beat your chest with your fists and roar at them: “I'LL WEAR A HEADSET OVER MY COLD, DEAD EARS!”

VIRGO

The truth is God never wanted mankind to be anything other than a pathetic dog that would wag its tail enthusiastically at its master. But God is bent wrong with ego, and in this spirit He created a pet that is a little too like Him; an animal embodied with His narcissism, His intelligence, His bipolar tendencies, His eagerness toward aggression. Rejoice! Indeed, the stupid bastard created you.

LIBRA

I plan to spend this month astral projecting myself into your nightmares until I finally crack you. In little over a week I'll make you so upset you cry tears enough to put out the sun. All that'll be left in the remnants of that boiling dark will be a solar system-sized stew of slow-cooked bodies and planets. Hey, it's only a dream!

SCORPIO

You've been working too hard. Recline and chill out to that relaxing CD of whale bullying you purchased.

SAGITTARIUS

Your landlord still hasn't fixed the heating? Here's a tip: buy some Andrex puppies, force your toes up their arses and wear them like a pair of yelping slippers. At the very least it'll furnish “walkies” with a whole new set of sinister connotations.

CAPRICORN

Don't let people tell you you're a “has-been”. You're an “is-now” but you need to stop hungrily smelling your own pheromones and start breathing oxygen again like the rest of us. Cease waving like The Queen as you relish your body's hot, musty emanations whilst wanking in the mirror. You're a smug fucker, though you have right to be. It aches me to say it, but you're in prize-winning condition.

AQUARIUS

All your aspirations are about to be sent through the fun-crusher and into oblivion. Everyone knows dolphins control the Galactic Federation, and we're utterly powerless to stop them.

PISCES

This month you finally have that long-awaited “skull-job” in Goa to replace your entire skull with a superior crystal version, whereafter you will develop immeasurable psychic abilities, much like myself and David Blaine (the only two to have survived the procedure thus far). Immediately upon waking you'll start to hear the garbled grunts, the squelching and the insane, echoing laughter inside your brain, punctuated by a voice that lasciviously screams your name...for the rest of our lives.