Crystal Baws: April Horoscopes

Feature by Mystic Mark | 05 Apr 2011

ARIES

April sees you drift so far up shit creek you're desperately attempting to sculpt a jobby paddle out of handfuls of floating faeces before Mt. Shit erupts and you get smothered in a pyroclastic surge of molten excrement.

TAURUS

Had another sperm won the race, would some other consciousness have won over, creating a reality all its own? And what if the sperm had arrived at the egg, say, a minute later? Would I still be me? These important questions plague your reality.

GEMINI

In April you discover the Justin Bieber-lookalike “dream boat” you met over the internet didn’t actually climb K2 without oxygen, adopt orphaned baby seals and work for NASA as claimed. No, he lives at home with his elderly mother and father, walks like a velociraptor, moves his lips when he reads and is chronically unemployed.

CANCER

You've been around the block more times than a particle in the LHC at CERN. Stop rutting. Earth's full.

LEO

Shhh! Hey, listen! Mind that statue of Donald Dewar on Buchanan Street? That's not a statue at all. It's actually Dewar himself, frozen in carbonite by Salmond the Hutt. Talk quieter, lest we'll both be in for a serious pigeon shit bukkake session too! I still owe the Hutts some council tax money.

VIRGO

Oi! You blanked me in the Farmfoods the other day! You don't blank me like I don't drape my own balls in a Bernard Matthews meat-flattening machine. I've cursed you with a Necronomicon hex. Soon the ground will open up and suck the muscles off your bones like meat off a kebab skewer. Enjoy April.

LIBRA

We really don't need types like you polluting the cultural atmosphere with your psychic methane. Kill yourself.

SCORPIO

Yes, your postman is stealing mail from you, The Man has bugged your flat and your cat is a robot with cameras for eyes. You just know they're hiding even more bullshit from you. How deep does this bovine-excrement-stuffed rabbit hole go?

SAGITTARIUS

You wonder whether these tracksuit-clad, phlegmily-laughing, moist balls of vole-skulled meat you frequent Wetherspoon's with could be categorized as 'friends' with a straight face.

CAPRICORN

All your aspirations are about to be sent through the fun-crusher and into oblivion. Everyone knows dolphins control the Galactic Federation, and we're utterly powerless to stop them.

AQUARIUS

Don't get cocky with how good things are going because this April you wake up in your basket to the sudden and harrowing realisation it's February 1951, your owner lives in Middlesborough, your entire life was merely a dog's dream and you're an arthritic Jack Russell terrier called Keith.

PISCES

I don't have time! Apologies but I'm off on an ultra hi-octane spiritual gurning journey, dervish-whirling in southern Yemen with Sufi mystics on PCP for six days straight. Best start packing my scrip.