Badly Ranted Thoughts via the Magic of Song

Review by Tom Crookston | 13 Aug 2008

So, you want your own show at the Edinburgh Fringe? But you haven’t got any actual skills? Not a problem. Dr. CocacolaMcDonalds is here to help.

First you need to get your look sorted. After all, who cares if you’re a talentless waster: if your outfit is ridiculous enough, you’re guaranteed at least one laugh. So start by making up your face like the lead singer of a particularly low-budget Kiss tribute band. Wardrobe-wise, it’s best to keep things simple. Nothing says “edgy” like a pair of puke-green paisley trunks and a silk tie.

Now for your act. You might think you can’t write songs, sing or tell jokes, but times have changed. Why not just hit 'play' on an old Casio keyboard and spout some inane drivel over one of those tinny pre-programmed beats that make mobile phone ringtones sound like Mozart? If lyrics are giving you trouble, here’s a tip: you don’t need any. Just repeat the name of the song several times, and then shout “thank you very much” at the end so that people know when to clap wearily.

Audiences can be tricky, too. It’s best to find the smallest venue available—a Portakabin, say—and ship in a bunch of your mates to cover up all those awkward silences. Don’t forget to ply them with drink, so that when you direct your jokes right at them they can all chuckle loudly. Look, that’s two laughs, already!

There you have it. Now just sit back and wait for those awards to start rolling in.