Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging

Don’t attempt to watch this film without first mentally assuming the approximate mindset of the average 14 year-old girl. Think pink and purple sparkles, sleepovers and makeovers, think squealing with gigglesome delight when the awesomest, bestest looking sex-god in the school walks past. And think elaborate fantasies in which said sex-god writes songs about you with his rock band, in which you’re suddenly the most popular person in the universe by the time the climactic party scene kicks in and everything just goes beautifully, fabulously, perfectly right. Being a teenager is great! Now, I’m all for High School Musical-esque cheerily unabashed optimism, but there’s something more than a little grating about the bright bubblegum flippancy of Gurinder Chadha’s teen flick. Where her Bend it Like Beckham had likeable, believable characters, Angus rings false; the down-with-the-kidz lingo is unconvincing and the tied-up-with-a-big-pink-bow romantic story just seems implausible. But this is aspirational cinema for teens and tweens, where the awkward, funny girl gets the guy, the bitchy blonde gets her comeuppance, and everybody loves you. Somewhere, my 14 year-old self is raising an eyebrow in weary, sardonic disgust and watching Heathers for the 17th time. [Laura Smith]