Stars - August 2006

Horoscopes

Leo 23/7 – 22/8

The charts predict that an opportunity to relax will bring you much joy but beware inexpertly applied suntan cream when combined with hearty, manly slaps across the shoulder blades.

Virgo 23/8 22/9

Pal, it's really time to get some new moves for the dance floor, busting a groove like the bastard love child of Peter Crouch and the stupid silver robot dancer on Princes Street ain't gonna win you any prizes!

Libra 23/9 – 22/10

Umm, your bit was cloudy and that, so canae really help you. I'm sure it'll be fine though … chin up.

Scorpio 23/10 – 21/11

A cheeky public stumble on the way home from the 'bab shop will remove your very last scrap of self dignity. Things to ponder: who is the greater bear – Winnie the Pooh or Baloo?

Sagittarius 22/11 – 21/12

A new love interest brings adventure and excitement. If laughter is the best medicine and music is the food of love how come that rash isn't going away and you're still raiding the fridge in the small hours? Beware the third quarter, the rising scales allude to the reality that it is lighter than the others.

Capricorn 22/12 – 19/1

Conversation at a family gathering will steer towards the unfortunate combination of HRT and intimate body piercing. You would be advised to have a light breakfast. The directions of the comets strongly suggest you should check for shampoo behind your ears before leaving the house in the morning.

Aquarius 20/1 – 18/2

He who drinks in Ashton lane will achieve the true Zen inner peace of lightness of wallet.

Pisces 19/2 – 20/3

The puffing volcanos of Mars indicate a swing towards the lighter side of life. Wear white socks with sandals on Mondays and Wednesdays at all times. Even in the bath. Take control and reclaim your coffee mug from the geek with braces in accounts.

Aries 21/3 – 19/4

The drips from the squeezy fourth moon of Pluto bring with them a flood of temptation that may drown you at every opportunity this month. Beware pasty skin, ageing bags of salad and armpit sweat. Those who attain success must first relinquish all dependency on the Sunday T4 omnibus.

Taurus 20/4 – 20/5

So you get back to his place, and it's going fine, however you're still not sure. I mean, he did mention his collection of rare 1970s British seaside post cards over the second drink. The alphabetically ordered DVD collection should really set alarm bells ringing. Run away while you still can!

Gemini 21/5 – 21/6

An increasingly rampant overdraft threatens to get the better of you this month. The tried and tested head-in-the-Clyde ignorance is bliss routine is starting to wear thin. A low cost loan with one easy payment? Carol Vorderman… you still would.

Cancer 22/6 – 22/7

The clashing of ancient asteroids brings a wind of bad feng shui over all Cancerians. To combat such evil it is necessary each Monday and Wednesday to point and laugh hysterically at the footwear of sartorially inept Pisceans and bring upon them intense public humiliation, ridicule and shame.