Stars - June 2006

Horoscopes

Aries 21/3 – 19/4
The arc of andromeda suggests that you may find 50p, half a packed of tabs and a lighter under your sofa this week. Seek and ye shall find.

Taurus 20/4 – 20/5
As the month progresses, the fourth moon of Pluto will begin to insert itself into saturn's ring. Such incursions suggest that any further pressure may cause a split in your life. Ignore peer pressure and you will be thankful you chose the chicken korma.

Gemini 21/5 – 21/6
A lover's promise never came with a maybe, so many words are left unspoken. Its time to faaaaaaaall from those stars, straight into her arms. Be careful on your tumble down to avoid the embrace of a ginger crooner called Mick with dodgy rouge bum fluff. Sing to me my darling - I hope you comprehend.

Cancer 22/6 – 22/7
Back away from the chocolate cake.

Leo 23/7 – 22/8
An embarrassing miss-hap may befall you in the third week. Keep a-hold of your drink with a firm grasp at all times. Succeed and you will have the last laugh. Fail and your chances of ever getting in her pants are as likely as a Keith Duffy operatic comeback.

Virgo 23/8 22/9
A chance encounter with a starry-eyed bearded dwarf in CC Blooms will lead you to the conclusion that its time to tell him once and for all – NO DEAL.

Libra 23/9 – 22/10
You will meet the love of your life on a windswept, litter strewn, Croy station at 3.38pm next Wednesday. Maybes. The romantic backdrop to such an important moment will set your heart racing for the Ochil Hills. Don't be put off by first impressions, old folks with nae teeth need love too.

Scorpio 23/10 – 21/11
Squeeze it. Go on. Squeeze it. Go on, go on, go on. SQUEEZE IT!

Sagittarius 22/11 – 21/12
A gyrating Venus suggests an old friend will re-enter your life this month. This person will prove as crushingly dull as before. The metro letter's page may bring a welcomed distraction.

Capricorn 22/12 – 19/1
An increasing on-line gambling addiction may force you to sell off your nik-naks. Its time to lay off the pies and start munching on giblets. Stick to your guns, keep your powder dry and every little thing will be alreet! Bo!

Aquarius 20/1 – 18/2
Matters regarding queuing in the shop are shifting in your favour. There is a powerful gaseous force within your stomach that the old dear behind you might not appreciate, but don't be shy, tap in and release the energy inside. A strong urge to buy yet more dirty mags must be tempered by the impending visit of mother dearest.

Pisces 19/2 – 20/3
Too much Buckie in Kelvingrove Park on a Sunday afternoon may lead to a series of compromising photos involving fishnet tights, assorted kitchen utensils and a toothpick. Don't say we didn't warn you!