Rant

Internet Pornography

Massive cum-drenched tits! Hardcore face-to-ass action! Spectacular gash-jockeys pummelling teenage sluts! - such is the shocking lexicon of the modern pornographer. Long gone are the days when the inquisitive adolescent would guiltily stay up to watch Channel Four with the volume down, hoping to catch a risqué foreign film on the off chance that they'd get an eyeful of cleavage.

Alas, the youth of today are much too busy downloading the latest hardcore filth-stream directly to their mobiles, vying desperately to prove their manhood by competing to see who can find an image of the most comprehensively spunk-drenched bukakke-victim. It's an unfortunate fact that we live in a society in which it is par for the course to be subjected – whilst trying to enjoy a quiet pint in a public house - to a grainy video of a man inserting his whole head into a woman's vagina.

The internet is the sole culprit of course – a digital fairyland for spray-tanned, silicon-injected females, and hairless men with desperation in their eyes. It seems the global trend towards homogenisation extends even into this dark realm; with each website aiming to show the thrusting, mechanical act occurring as hard and fast (and as unemotionally) as possible. Erotic-desensitization has reached its nadir. Technology has won. Romance is dead. Now pass me that greased-up hamster. [Lucy Faringold]

Music Television Without The Music

Why do so many pubs/bars/clubs these days insist on showing music videos without sound, then playing different music through their sound-systems? Is there anything more frustrating than seeing a song you'd love to hear while listening to one you hate? Or seeing one you hate while listening to something you like? It's an innovation instigated by style bars that is now a full-blown disease spreading itself through the most homely of pubs by way of flat screen televisions and ropey sound-systems and must be stopped.

Surely it would be easy to connect the sound-system to the television, or change the channel to football, or snooker, or some shitty action film, or even better just TURN THE FUCKING THING OFF. [Dorian Williams]

Stuffed Crust Ruined The Pizza

There are moments in life that define you, when your world view irreversibly changes forever and you experience a violent transition from blithely believing that you inhabit an essentially benign universe to the realization that you live in a benighted, malevolent world. For me, that moment came with the introduction of stuffed crust pizza. A food format that had retained its integrity since the fall of Rome had been desecrated and a cheesy Rubicon had been crossed.

What kind of daft, faddish freak would inject a pizza with pallid processed mulch? Curiously, the innovation came from a chain of pizza restaurants not known for variety. The only universal truths are that Crowded House is always playing in Pizza Hut and it's always overcast at Harthill (even when it's sunny in Embra and Glasgow). I have never fully recovered and the emergence of stuffed crust was, for me, "the day the music died". [Dougald McVicar]