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A MESSAGE FROM THE DESK OF DANNY SUTCLIFFE, CHRISTMAS LABRADOR & EDITOR IN CHIEF:

Ah it's you! Come in! Sit down! Cigar? No... I wouldn't either.

I don't think it's a cigar, to be honest.

Right. To business. I suppose you're here about THE CHRISTMAS.

Well, as you DAMN WELL KNOW, Christmas will soon be sponsored by a gambling website and/or a loan company. Imagine Skynet, but with free spins and bonus points when you sign up a friend!

So before all advent calenders become repossessed in a special festive episode of Can't Pay? We'll Take It Away!, I've broken into The Skinny offices to personally create my own brilliant version with Christmas tips, including emergency council contact numbers and a free mystery cigar.

I hope you like it. NOW GET OUT THERE AND GET ME A PICTURE OF SPIDERMAN.

Tue 1 Dec. CHRISTMAS TIP:

If you can't afford Cards Against Humanity, simply write all of your favourite insults and swearwords on a piece of paper, cut them out and pop them into a hat. After Christmas dinner, get your relatives to pick one out of the hat! ("Fartprick?")

Wed 2 Dec. GEORGE CLOONEY FROM THE FILMS ON HIS PERFECT CHRISTMAS: 

"WURGH! Every Christmas, me and 'Witness the Pitness' (my best pal Brad Pitt) charter a private jet to Lake Garda, get right on it, then stalk old people's homes at night and terrify the locals. We just go round rattling a few doors and posting dogshit and fireworks through the letterboxes, it's a cracking day. CLOON-AAY!"

Thu 3 Dec. CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKE:

"My dog has no nose, and I have a mild concussion!"

"How does he smell?"

"Spiders!!"

Fri 4 Dec. CHRISTMAS RECIPE:

Traditional turkey is so outdated now isn't it? Traditional Christmas turkey dinner can fuck off then come back so you can tell it to fuck off again. Turkey is Ken Barlow. Now that we have trade ships bringing in delicacies and spices from as far as exotic sounding places like 'Rhyl' and 'Warrington', there are literally at least five different things to choose from other than that cheating bastard homewrecking cardigan-wearing turkey. Fuck him and fuck his crossword. Choices are: Fish. Other meats, e.g. beef or beef sausage. Big chicken. Chippy. Greggs Christmas pasty. Note: replace any of the above dishes with cider for those with food allergies.

Sat 5 Dec. PRESENT SUGGESTION:

Q: How does Bob Marley like his donuts?

A: Why not find out, with this Christmas ouija board! 

Sun 6 Dec. FANCY DRESS OUTFIT IDEA:

There's only one outfit you need this Christmas. It might be cliche, but it gets the job done every time. Everyone knows it. It is, of course, that famous outfit from that film with John Travolta in it.

Mon 7 Dec. CELEBRITY CHRISTMAS TIP:

Richard Madeley on his perfect Christmas: "Me and Judy always spend Christmas at home, somewhere in London. I have a driver that takes me straight from the studios most days. I'll drive myself if I feel like it though. It's a Jag. Sometimes, when I've got the driver, and I'm out and I've had a few sherberts, I'll nip into an off licence and shoplift a bottle of wine."

Tue 8 Dec. PRESENT SUGGESTION:

Why not take a loved one on a romantic winter walk in the countryside? Better yet, find a nice field, get there ahead of time and set up a romantic winter picnic hamper, filled with romantic winter Christmas delights such as Greggs Christmas pasties and SUPERFUCKINGBAILEYS. Before you quickly 'nip back to the car to pick up your cigarettes', present your loved one with a Christmas card with a romantic personal message made by you, just for them:

Wed 9 Dec. PRESENT SUGGESTION: 

A stapler head removed and replaced with a staple remover (ooh the irony!). Makes a brilliant Alien/Predator head for the kids. "MERRY CHRISTMAAAAAGH NOT MY EYES..."

Thu 10 Dec. BARRY SCOTT FROM THEM ADVERTS ON HIS PERFECT CHRISTMAS: 

"HI! I'M... oh god I can't keep this up anymore. I used to live in a swanky apartment opposite the Go Compare bloke and one of the Marks from Eastenders. Once the adverts packed up I just went haywire. Fame's a bug. I'd sneak into B&Q at night, then pop up from behind one of the display kitchens in the morning to unsuspecting families, wiping down the counter with my trademark catchphrase and trusty bottle of Cillit Bang. It got so bad that the Samaritans introduced call barring to my phone. So now I just ring those 'How's my driving?' lines off the back of vans and change the subject really quickly. I'm spending Christmas with Orville and a bloke from the Halifax adverts. Not Howard." 

Fri 11 Dec. PRESENT SUGGESTION:

Create a number of fake Twitter accounts and follow your loved ones and wish them all a brilliant Christmas.

Sat 12 Dec. FLYING CHRISTMAS TIGER MOTHERFUCKERS!

Sun 13 Dec. DRINK:

There's only one drink you'll need this Christmas. It's called water. It's good for you, and, according to an article I read on a night bus home, if you have seven glasses in a day, you're one away from an orgasm, apparently. Water's great! Also, lions drink it. But if lions could, they would definitely drink what I like to call a SUPERFUCKINGBAILEYS.

YOU WILL NEED:

1 bottle of Baileys. 1 bottle of chocolate Baileys. 1 bottle of Jack Daniels whisky. 1 bottle of Jack Daniels honey whisky. The day off work afterwards.

Mix it however you want pal, there's four spirits in the bastard all topping near 40 proof each. Take a hipflask of it out with you on Black Friday. You won't get any bargains! but neither will anyone near you after you collapse, laughing and crying into a wall of HD tellies, you fucking Christmas champion, you!

Mon 14 Dec. CELEBRITY CHRISTMAS TIP:

Gift(ed) (w)rapper Kanye West on his perfect Christmas: "GOOD MORNING FROM THE MOON! I flipping love Christmas, it's flipping brilliant! I get up really early and open all my presents, then we go round to my nanna and grandad's and there's EVEN MORE presents for me there! It's brilliant! Once, right, I was jumping on my nanna's settee in wellies and no socks, and I landed on a cup of scalding hot tea and knocked it over and my nanna had to ring my Uncle Terry because he had a car and we had to go to the hospital and the nurse gave me a Danger Mouse certificate for being dead brave."

Tue 15 Dec. OFFICE FUN:

Forced to do this year's office Secret Santa? Fuck getting them a present, TELL THEM A SECRET ABOUT SANTA!

Wed 16 Dec. AAAGH! CHRISTMAS SPIDERSAAAAAAGHHH!!! THESE WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE OPENED UNTIL CHRISTMAS! Get back to the start of Christmas and do it all over again.

Thu 17 Dec. CHRISTMAS CRACKER JOKE:

Q: What do you call a boxer with a warm head?

A: Ricky Hat - on!

Fri 18 Dec.

"HEY PAL. PAL! IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT FILM THIS IMAGE IS FROM THEN YOU'RE DOING CHRISTMAS WRONG. GET BACK TO THE START WITH THE SPIDERS."

Sat 19 Dec. DANNY'S FUNNY CHRISTMAS STORY:

"Every year for the past few Christmases I've jokingly wrapped up a housebrick as a present for my brother. Imagine his surprise three years ago, when he opened up all of his presents and there was no housebrick to be found! He asked me where it was; barely able to contain my laughter, I took him outside onto the front, then pulled out a housebrick (giftwrapped, I might add!) and put it straight through his car windscreen! He hasn't spoken to me since!"

Sun 20 Dec. OVERHEARD: 

"Just after Christmas this year, Derren Brown said on Twitter that his iKettle had broken. I tweeted him and suggested he contact someone who works in iTea. iTea! Haha! Hahahahahaaa! He never responded. Shame. Anyway, we're having a bit of trouble with engine number two and will be making an emergency landing shortly. Cabin crew doors to manual."

Mon 21 Dec. ISN'T LIFE FUNNY?!

I woke up this morning, and, in the night, I'd scrawled notes about black holes and particle theory. I think I've been SLEEP HAWKING. 

Tue 22 Dec. CHRISTMAS DINNER TIP:

Too many guests and not enough chairs? Did they arrive in a car? They've brought their own chairs then [see picture of chairs above].

Wed 23 Dec. CHARITY:

TEXT SANTA should have been called RUDOLF'S RED NOSE DAY.

Thu 24 Dec. CHRISTMAS EVE ADVICE: 

If you have to venture out on Christmas Eve to do a last minute bit of shopping, if it gets a bit too stressful, try to take pleasure in the little things amongst the chaos. Last year I had to pop to my local ASDA on Christmas Eve. I don't do well with crowds. Half an hour after walking in the store I had covered one aisle. I panicked and fled (nipped out for a cigarette). Sweating and stressed, I lifted a shaky hand and lit an emergency Christmas smoke. As I looked across the busy car park, it was madness – horns blaring, people – when I glanced across the shopping trolley shelter. It was covered with hundreds of sparrows huddled on top of the trollies, sheltering from the rain. They were hopping from trolley to trolley and tweeting like mad bastards. It echoed around the shelter and sounded lovely.

It provided a brief moment of tranquility and calm, and it made me smile. Others saw it too, and I saw them walk towards the shelter flustered and stressed, see and hear the gang of sparrows, then carefully try to remove a shopping trolley without disturbing them too much. They would then walk away with their trollies towards ASDA with an extra spring in their step and a smile on their face, ready to face the crowds.

Then they'd realise they'd got birdshit all over their hands.

 Fri 25 Dec. "HE'S BEEN*!"

 *released from prison

Follow Danny on Twitter at @dannysutcliffes
dannysutcliffe.co.uk