• comedy
• opinion

ARIES
Flowers may be growing in your heart, a lark may be singing boisterously of love in your brain, but in your trousers a worm dies of loneliness.

TAURUS
This month you buy a new Glade buttplug. Now when you let one off at work it smells like weird strawberries.

GEMINI
In November your team finally makes a breakthrough at the weapons lab, developing a bomb which papercuts the bellends of everyone in a five mile radius. The boss strolls into the lab with a bottle of champagne to toast your achievement.

CANCER
Along with your team of top archeological theologians you discover that the Holy God-Sperm used to impregnate the Virgin Mary must have been at least the size of an eel.

LEO
Learning that every particle inside your body was once inside a star doesn’t stop you from reading The Sun.

VIRGO
Reading your Bible you’re shocked to discover that when Jesus came back as a zombie he didn’t immediately seek out Pontius Pilate and eat his brain.

LIBRA
What happens when we die? Are we reincarnated, as the ancients told us? Do we ascend to a higher spiritual plane, as the gurus tell us? Or, like my mother told me, do we all go to Hell? There are as many questions for what happens to us upon death as there are ways to get dead in the first place. From accidentally dying of old age to getting blown dead in a war. Lots of people have been killed by death over the years and it didn’t do them any harm, so why not kick back with a delicious Snickers® chocolate bar.
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SCORPIO
Dolphins believe that humans have special healing vibrations, which is why you’ll often find sick pups flopping around next to your desk at work, rubbing their snouts against your shoes and screeching.

SAGITTARIUS
Due to the hardened scab which has formed over your nihilistic psyche, you can only cry by chopping onions. Bringing a chopping board to your mother’s funeral, you give a heart-rending eulogy while standing right above a blender, dropping onion after onion into its whirring core.

CAPRICORN
You’re alarmed when you notice that the whole world is shrinking, but you’re even more worried by the fact that you’re shrinking at exactly the same rate.

AQUARIUS
Your relationship prospects would be improved if you occasionally washed the flap which covers your single, high-pressure sweat pore.

PISCES
This month you catch your head in the gears of the head crushing machine, ironically crushing it in the one section heads were absolutely not designed to be crushed in.