Jingle Baws: December 2017 Horoscopes

ARIES
Every Yuletide, Santa delivers copious coal sacks to ISIS in order to scold them for being so naughty. But instead of having the desired effect of shaming ISIS into being better behaved boys and girls, the Santa-delivered coal helps keep the lights on in the dying Caliphate. The CIA doesn’t appreciate the gesture, deciding that Santa is giving material support to terrorists, and this Christmas Eve they take the sleigh out with a surface-to-air missile somewhere over Syria. 

TAURUS
It’s easy to forget the true meaning of Christmas: the birth of the evil Lord Santa Claus and his demon army of night elves.

GEMINI
Having your head removed is an effective cure for back pain.

CANCER
The children have started to figure out that all is not what it seems when it comes to this so-called Santa Claus. They know too much already. After inviting them out to the car for a chat with their Uncle Tony you sit silently in the back seat with a length of piano wire to do what has to be done.

LEO
In December you fulfil your dream and start a charity for daft kids. It’s vital daft kids get the support and materials they need to reach their full potential.

VIRGO
You actually go up to the North Pole this Christmas and just die. There is no castle made of snow or toy workshops, only ice and unforgiving blizzards and the frozen corpses of children who once believed in magic.

LIBRA
You wake in the middle of the night to hear Santa’s beloved Donner slip off your roof and crumple into a pile of whimpering smashed legs in your back garden. The animal’s wounded cries stop suddenly after the famous reindeer is humanely smashed-to-sleep by a brick-wielding Santa. You peek through the curtains to see the large red man crying bitterly as he drags the carcass towards your local kebab shop.

SCORPIO
This Yuletide, cleanse your life of friends and family with my special RETOX diet which consists of endless quantities of whiskey and coke and shouting.

SAGITTARIUS
Christmas is a time for giving your family things they didn’t realise they even wanted, like the flu or a court summons.

CAPRICORN
In December you bond with a loved one. Literally. Like for some reason the skin just fuses and your bodies slowly begin to absorb each other. Honestly, it’s horrible. I’d advise against it.

AQUARIUS
This month you crawl through the digestive tract of a horse in a bid to locate your missing keys.

PISCES
Some Christians believe that AIDS is a plague sent by God to punish homosexuals. Little do they know that AIDS is actually the supreme creator being of the Universe and it only created God to punish Christians.

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This is the final edition of Mystic Mark's horoscopes; 'Mark' (aka Darren Cullen and Mark Tolson) retires after 6 years of undefeated predictions.