Dave Ingram

Where you are from?
Bolton

No. of years in comedy?
4 1/2

What's your favourite onstage experience?
My first ever gig, I thought that you had to be an all round entertainer, so I finished my set by singing a song whilst the audience clapped along. I was only 16 at the time and didn't realise what a fool I looked, I was just up there dancing away in total euphoria. I'd do anything to get that naivety back.

And your worst onstage experience?
Looking back, it was probably the above. Or the time someone threw a shoe at me.

What's the best heckle you've received?
Again when I was 16, "Are you on work experience?"

The best comeback to a heckle you've handed out?
An audience member who had been a pest all night decided to answer his mobile phone. In a rare moment of rage I snatched the phone and smashed it against a wall. It turns out nothing silences a heckler like uncensored violence.

What is most hated appliance and why?
It's between the Hoover and the hairdryer, both due to the noise. I get all rainman if someone turns one on when I'm in the room. I don't know why.

Which member of the A-Team are you most like?
The tallest.

How would you solve the following global problems?
a) Starvation and poverty
b) Middle eastern nuclear stand-off
c) China's ambition for utter domination
A couple of pints and a game of pool would solve the lot. Maybe.

Whistle while you work, or sob while you masturbate?
No whistling. It also has the rainman effect on me.

While on the topic, how many portions of ejaculate do you think you need to salt shrivel a slug?
Human=12, Horse=2, Pony=6

What is your most attractive feature?
Buttocks

And your least attractive?
Toes, more specifically, toe nails

Lastly, what are your contingency plans for making it to gigs in the wake of an Iranian nuclear strike?
I'll ride a horse, or a mutant