Bratchy, The Wee Man & Mark Bratchpiece: Bratchpiece Family Album

"People always assume our surname is made up," says Neil. I nod and smile, and don’t say I’d thought it was a brand of merkin.

An ex-Herald hack, Dad got into stand-up after a colleague foisted an application on him for a series of comedy workshops. 

"David was at the university at the time and he was meant to come too, but he never turned up.  Anyway, we did these workshops with Bruce Morton, and at the end we got five minutes at the Tollbooth, and it was terrific. I virtually had to get dragged off.

"Next was Neil. He came home from school one day and said, 'I’m going to be on the news'." Dad jerks his thumb at Bratchpiece junior. "Turns out him and his pal had won the Glasgow heat of the Fanta Teen Comedy Awards."

Neil sits forward on the sofa. "The finals were at the London Comedy Store, compered by Jonathan Ross.  My very first gig, not a bad start. Gone rapidly downhill since then."

Sibling rivalry was biting and David started doing stand-up too. "Dad ran the primary school football when we were wee, but Neil and I were always shit and never got picked. I do wonder if the comedy’s a subconscious way of trying to impress him."

Is there anything that they argue about?  Who’s most likely to nick the other’s stuff?

"I steal their clothes, they steal my jokes," says Dad.  

"I’ll steal off anyone.  Particularly bog roll," says Neil.

I ask Neil if he's ever had trouble in his Ned get-up?

Neil shakes his head.  ‘Not so much after the first video (Here You, Neds Kru feat. The Wee Man - 2,978,964 hits on YouTube and counting), because people are more likely to recognise me.  But I did notice at first that people just averted their eyes and steered away from me. Everyone apart from real neds. It was like Bilbo with the ring in Lord of the Rings: put it on and no-one notices you apart from the other goblins. We were filming in Govan, and this guy stopped his car and shouted, ‘You’re not a real ned!’  They can smell their own."

Glasgow Comedy Festival 2012 is the Bratchpiece Family’s tenth and final show together, with Dad coming out of retirement for one last gig.  It'll take place at the Arches, the place they debuted, which all agree was their favourite performance.

"It absolutely stowed out," Dad says, "People sitting on the floor and everything, and the reaction was great – the first night they had record takings at the bar.  Neil did a double act, David ranted manically and I put everyone to sleep."

I ask what they’ve liked best about this Festival?

"The great thing about the Glasgow Comedy Festival," says Bratchy, "is that it’s a chance to see some great comedy in the places you’d be going to anyway. There are some brilliant Scottish comedians who are totally underrated, like Gary Little and Mark Nelson, who’s dark and cynical but so sharply written."

"Aye, that’s right," says Bratchy.  "There’s loads of things on – plays, kid's shows..."

I ask what plays he's looking forward to.

"...eh, well, nothing."  He reddens slightly. "I just said that to sound highbrow."

"The Glasgow Comedy Festival is  just an exaggeration of what Glasgow is like all the time," says Neil. "During the Fringe it’s like Edinburgh sparks into life for a month, but a day later there’s tumbleweed rolling past and everyone’s asleep again."

Mrs B appears back in the cafe, and I leave them all bickering about what picture they should have on their flyers.