Ask Fred: Religion

Dear Fred,

Recently my politician friend received criticism for suggesting the UK is a "Christian country." Atheist protesters gave him a hard time over it, and I’m baffled over their remarks. It‘s historical fact (unwelcome to some, but true) that UK law, ethics and culture were based on its teachings and traditions. Please join me in supporting our status as a Christian country.

Yours holily,

 ArchBish105
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Thanks for your email, ArchBish105. Generalising is cool. It helps us pigeon-hole or stereotype large groups we neither have the time, nor the motivation to get to know. Great, if your sweeping statement is awesome, like "EVERYONE IN THE UK CAN ELBOW DROP A MOUNTAIN GORILLA THROUGH THE CHEST AND HAS A 10-INCH BONER" but less so if you suggest everyone believes Sky-Daddy doesn't like men kissing each other. Saying an entire country believes in something is a good way to draw criticism. This 'baffling' response is a direct result of something called 'pissing people off;' a concept which (historically) has been around since the invention of 'mouths' and Highlander 2: The Quickening. You and your friend arbitrarily declared 62,641,000 people as Christian; please excuse us for getting a bit sassy. Majorities are important, but for every 51% 'real beef' in my lasagne, there are 32,320,000 angry horse-ghosts in my U-bend.

Generalise, and our planet becomes a world of half truths and ignorance. Be proud of heritage; but categorising an entire country as sharing your superstition seems ballsy. And dumb. My morals were gleaned from an entire decade of 80s movies, but I'll be damned if I'm going to suggest every custody battle be resolved via arm wrestling championships, and that you’ll have the greatest weekend of your life with your boss’s corpse.

What future do we leave the kids if we negatively stereotype? "Have a good day at school, Billy. Be careful; all Asians are ninjas, Muslims explode and most Italians are murder-turtles. But if a millionaire playboy offers to adopt you and put you in hot pants and a fruity mask to fight crime, remember to high-five your old man!"

Just because something was true, doesn't mean it is. Nations develop. By the logic that the UK is Christian 'historically,' our ethics system is built on Chinese people finding opium yummy, and knowing people pick sugar faster if you point guns at them. We have a shameful past, but the here and now is what matters. We've learned from our fuck-ups. Our country is rich, diverse, and stronger for it.

Never undervalue your own beliefs; but don't decide someone else's for them.

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Dear Fred,

Politicians are being advised not to 'do God' in Downing Street. What are your feelings on an openly religious leader? Is it really a problem to have someone in power seeking divine guidance, or praying for enlightenment?

Anon

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Since it’s scientific fact that faith can move mountains and melt Draculas, it’s reasonable that a bit of balls-to-the-wall-prayer might solve some of the spare poverty, sickness and war we have kicking around. With our treasury reduced to three magic beans and a free hug coupon from China, 'closing our eyes and wishing' might have a higher success rate than the opposite: 'not doing any of that because it's stupid.'

Problem is, I can’t accurately judge the merits of prayer because I don't pray. I’d always assumed there was more to it than blowing out candles; that there was more to getting miracles than just wishing really fucking hard. If the power to make wishes was really that easy, we'd all be living in ice cream and blowjob world.

Thankfully the internet can teach me to make a prison flesh light out of water-filled rubber gloves with the same level of comforting accuracy as it can bring me closer to Jesus. I’m Googling ‘PRAYER.’

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After several pages on Cory Haim’s rollerblading adventures, I discover a site that teaches the internet generation to pray. They get that in a world filled with famine and disease, it's important to take some time out to hope someone else will do something about it. The site, based in Scotland, offers guidance in the art of God speak, detailing how loud and often you should talk, and exactly how long you’ll wait for that sequel to Tango & Cash you just ordered.

Right off the bat, the whole faith thing seems to have a passive-aggressive vibe to it:

'Too busy to pray? Try our seven day prayer challenge and see what happens."

Did... did God just call me a pussy?

'TRY PRAYING RIGHT NOW. MAYBE GOD IS CLOSER THAN YOU THINK' reads like 'TRY REACHING FOR YOUR WEREWOLF LASER NOW, ASSHOLE. WOLFMAN LEAPS IKEA SOFAS IN LESS THAN 1.0002 SECONDS.'

Better take this seriously.

Although the site never guarantees answers, it’s filled with testimonies of changing things with mind magic.

'A conversation on a train went like this. The guy in his 20s was asked, “Do you ever pray? “ His reply was, “Yes. I prayed for two people who were seriously ill. One died and the other got better.” He concluded he’d had 50% success.'

I'm no religious maths-scientist, but given two sick people + closed eyes and wishing = 1 dead person; my conclusions all rhyme with 'FUCKING SORCERY.'

Despite never clarifying whether the prayer had been for 'miraculous cures’ or 'free pair of dead person's slippers,' the story is enough to convince me of the authenticity of mystical wish lasers, and I sign up for a free guide.

At 47 pages, it is exactly 45 pages longer than my Ouija board instructions, and 47 more than the nothing received with my nunchuck starter kit; praying is more complex than Ghostbusting or hitting people in the face with awesomeness. The book details precisely what I need to pray and how even more precisely to do it. Since the makers know that most wishers are either nine, or unkillable genies, they emphasise how not-crazy prayer is with facts and figures only slightly more logical than vague tales of saving half of two sick people.

In light of the figures, I worry with so many asking God for stuff, a politician asking for less poor people and coastal Armageddon-proofing might get lost in 19,999,999,999 other prayers. What if the Syria crisis was caused by too many people wishing at once? If some kibbeh-saleman in Hom is wishing that he wasn't being set on fire at exactly the same time that UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon is wishing militia flame-throwers were filled with hugs, the universe gets confused.

Prayer can be seen as reflection. It's not about 'receiving something,' but getting to know yourself. Voicing worries is often the first step towards solving them. Collectively, we do awesome things when we get our heads straight and talk openly. Remove the whole Biblical deity tracing your calls thing, and you have a quiet moment to think. In light of the bullshit the government pulls, that wouldn't be a bad thing.

Religion and government are like a buddy-cop movie with a gruff veteran three days off retirement, and the other an African bee hive collector. They're working the same case, but two minutes into a car chase, everyone is too pissed to make sense. Faith might seem silly to some but it should NEVER be taken away. The only problem with faith (be it a belief in a God or not) is that since the dawn of time, people have been working on a reverse toilet. It's a noble thing to passionately support an ideal, but when forcing it on others at the cost of their beliefs, all you end up with is 100lbs of porcelain forcing your crap up their ass. So pray or don't pray; just don't invent a reverse toilet.

P.S. I did try the seven day prayer challenge. Couldn't tell if it worked. I wasn't expecting a lightning bolt or an angelic high five, but at least a timely order confirmation. Compared to my recent purchase of glow-in-the-dark lube, I think God runs things a little looser than radicalsextoys.com.