Three-way Jigsaw

Dan Antopolski: Nat, you are from Watford. Has this pain helped you become a funny?

Nat Luurtsema: Yes, it is the grit in my oyster. No news on that pearl yet but I imagine it’s imminent. (I know you’re both making vagina jokes as I type, the mood in this room has turned childish.) 

So Tom, do you still love us as much as when we first started working together or has our 
appeal tarnished?

Tom Craine: It is wrong to assume any great affection. We plateaued on day one. However, I do find our time together increasingly efficient. Now, that I do love.

So Dan, our first gig was in January – are you confident you’ve got this acting malarky ‘down’?

DA: Acting is in my blood – since I had a complete transfusion from Jason Flemyng (Lock Stock... etc). Basically anything I turn my hand to, be it woodwork, tap, the sciences, turning a key in a lock – I have found that people will wait.

So Tom, can I help you with that?

TC: Cheers. It was beginning to hurt. Blood flow and all that. Oh yeah, Nat, I’ve always meant to ask, what does the Edinburgh Festival experience mean to you financially?

NL: I see it as a gift, a blessing and a privilege. I’m sure I’d only squander my annual earnings on lobster and Pokemon, so it’s lucky to be relieved of so much of it. I haven’t missed a Fringe in seven years to guard against this.

Dan, what do you hate most about Tom? (I will accept a Top Ten.)

DA: I hate nothing about Tom – the great cloud of nothing that hangs about him like an ethereal shroud. Seriously though, I hate his murders. If I have to make one more 3am-er to Purley Way I’m going to start defacing him on the flyers.

Nat, if the News of the World was still with us, how do you think they would describe our Edinburgh show?

NL: The News Of The World is still with me, in my heart, every time a baby smiles or you go to the toilet and I read your texts. I think they would’ve liked us and we wouldn’t have known how to feel about that except to shower more vigorously.

Tom, get this right and you can have this biscuit: What words will you be saying most throughout the run of August?

TC: I can’t believe she didn’t give me that biscuit?

NL: Right well that’s self-fulfilling, I’ve stamped it in the mud now. I hope you’re happy with that decision.

TC: I can’t believe she didn’t give me that biscuit.

NL: The OTHER words, say the OTHER words! I’m going to slap you.

TC: Pleasance Beneath, quarter to six every day. We also have air-conditioning.

NL: Good boy, have a muddy biscuit.

DA: Morons, listen. The importance of air-conditioning in our venue cannot be overstated. Have you mentioned this?

TC: It will be like the lobby of a Bahrainian hotel.

NL: Everyone’s nipples will be like thumbs.

DA: Up or down?

NL: One of each.

TC: My venue last year was like gigging in a shoe. ‘Come and chill out in our sandal’.

DA: I have often wished that Bahrainian hotels would air-condition the rooms as well as the lobby – you only pass through the lobby briefly. It is so silly.

NL: Observational comedy for wealthy travellers. Lovely. Don’t you hate it when your chef requests a day off on the same day as your chaffeur? What is up with that?

TC: I stayed in a four-star hotel in Jersey once.

DA: I know – I was wearing the jumper!!!! I mean the jersey… ahhh pellets.