During my travels throughout this gullible globe I have met many like me, who are seekers. Seekers of wisdom and truth alike, yes, but also seekers of something far more...
ARIESMercury is lubing up for another lunge at your orbit. Brace yourself for both good and bad news. The bad news is, despite taking a police baton to the head...
ARIES You commence November still wriggling on that spike you fell on in October like a grub on a hook, desperately trying to reach your mobile phone with your toes...
ARIESIn October you finally fall on that spike all your friends bought you for your birthday back in April.TAURUSThis month you suffer a suspiciously realistic dream about having sex with...
ARIES Your trackie bottoms become so far stuck up your crack this month your hungry arse begins to digest polyester and your cells start to reconstitute the molecules as part...
ARIES A ghostly aura of ethereal bluebottles orbits your gapingly open mind. You might want to have that seen to. At least clean around the rim. Disinfect the U-bend of...
ARIES As the Universe expands the temperature will cool to absolute zero, the void will slow to an entropic husk and nothing will exist to even observe how bleak everything...
ARIES In June jam jar-spectacled physicists at the LHC discover the elusive graviton and its anti-particle. Don’t shell out for those Nike Airs. In 6 months you’ll be the proud...
ARIES It's not you that's a bad loser, it's that everyone else is a bad winner. Will you ever win in the sexual marketplace? The charts say no. The charts...
ARIES April sees you drift so far up shit creek you're desperately attempting to sculpt a jobby paddle out of handfuls of floating faeces before Mt. Shit erupts and you...
ARIES Despite the energetic kneecap-breaking efforts of your secret police in early Spring, the rising prices of food drive the lumpen proletariat into furiously storming your palaces. To avoid the...
ARIES Valentine's Day. And you don't have a date! Don't worry, once the zombie apocalypse comes you'll be able to have the date of your dreams. Next year you can...
ARIES Shat into being by the Big Bang. In and out of great supernovae we were flung in our aeon-long paths in our various pieces across the vacuum; pulled, squashed,...
ARIES Oh hai Arians! Whilst watching The Room on DVD you start the new year by forming a spiritually unbreakable bond of empathy with Tommy Wiseau. Thereafter you finally “understand...
ARIES Yeah, it’s Christmas, but a miracle? Meant to be? Are you serious? What, you think God flies over all the war and famine in the world to come and...
ARIES Arians are known for their particularly large gas bills, but in times of recession they are also good at thinking miserly. As the builders put in your new basement...
ARIES There will be significance in the pattern appearing as Chris Moyles’ splayed guts hit the floor steaming after your machete attack, perhaps leading to a lottery win. TAURUS Balloons...
