Crystal Baws: November 2014 Horoscopes
ARIES
In November you are accepted as an astronaut on Mars One, a privately-underfunded one-way suicide mission to slam the first three ghosts into the surface of Mars.
TAURUS
It is said that goldfish only have a three second memory, which in fact is precisely the amount of your life actually worth remembering.
GEMINI
With the benefit of hindsight you can now see how shitting out the sunroof was never going to work out the way you’d planned.
CANCER
Children are humanity’s most valuable resource. We should mine them.
LEO
You never thought you believed in goats, but sitting around the campfire as your friends tell chilling goat stories, you start to wonder, what if goats are real? As the tales go on, you hear about the grandad who came back as a goat because goats aren’t allowed into heaven. Others insist it’s possible goats become trapped in our realm because they have unfinished business, like Patrick Swayze in that movie, Goat. Still, the whole time your sceptical friend scoffs that despite all this there’s still no scientific evidence for the existence of goats.
VIRGO
You want Jesus to be inside you so much. You’re actually gagging to accept Christ’s love right up to the hilt, rammed so far up inside you you can feel him tickling your rib cage.
LIBRA
People who say that humans only use 10% of their brain are usually correct about themselves.
SCORPIO
You have a big heart. Seriously, it’s actually far too big, you have cardio-giganticism and should see a professional cardiologist immediately.
SAGITTARIUS
Life is a party, one that you were never invited to in the first place and won’t take the hint to leave.
CAPRICORN
It’s not the third eye, it’s the second bumhole.
AQUARIUS
As one of the four Water Signs, you have a remarkable affinity for water. For instance, if someone were to push your car into a lake, you will immediately be presumed dead, only to emerge several minutes later floating on the surface completely dead.
PISCES
To celebrate your birthday you invite all your friends for the party of a lifetime back where it all started, in your mother’s uterus. Excited, you squeeze in a few bottles of vodka, disco ball, cake, party hats, balloons and about half a shoe before the party is cancelled by the indignant venue.