Crystal Baws: October 2014 Horoscopes

ARIES
With a sense of inevitable resignation you realise you’ve been using your flatmate’s bumhole toothbrush for the past week. Still, if you will insist on all the toothbrushes being stored in the same jar, this was bound to happen sooner or later.

TAURUS
At the centre of the stampede to get the latest fashions, you’re proud to follow the herd, although you like to express your individuality within it by accessorising your enormous body with a nose ring or some stylish ear tags.

GEMINI
You’ve been doing some pretty haunting farts on the tube.

CANCER
Always a fan of triple penetration, in October you begin to see the fruits of your No vote in the indy referendum as all three Westminster party leaders shuffle into position to force their unlubed cocks into your taut voting hole.

LEO
You treat STDs like Pokémon: not only have you collected them all, but you have an insatiable itch to watch them battle each other for supremacy of the no man’s land that is your crotch.

VIRGO
In October, for almost no reason at all, a colourful Google deathbot explodes through the front door of your home and gores you to death with its graphene tusks.

LIBRA
You miss the bus to football practice and have to drag your ball bag all the way to training all on your own. As an added irritation, the ball bag catches on a nail and splits in the middle of the road, with everything spilling out only to be kicked by kids or run over by passing cars.

SCORPIO
You develop an exoskeleton and water-helmet for your pet goldfish so it can boldly go where no goldfish has gone before: for a walk in the park.

SAGITTARIUS
After a military coup, Krarlak has been deposed and you begin rooting through the rubble of your shattered personality for anything salvageable.

CAPRICORN
Your primary goal in life involves ensuring that no one else achieves any of their own goals.

AQUARIUS
It occurs to you that, from Christ’s point of view at least, the world is a post-apocalyptic nightmare with much of the planet infested by cannibalistic zombies desperate to eat his flesh and drink his blood. No wonder he never came back.

PISCES
This month you discover evidence that it wasn’t your mother who groined you out into this world, it was in fact The Queen. Her Majesty’s gigantic and noble pulsating egg sac hatched each and every single one of us. Thanks ma’am.