Crystal Baws: February 2014 Horoscopes

ARIES
Landing a finance job at Canary Wharf the yellow-eyed intern showing you around the office habitat boasts about the “heat mats under each floor.” Tugging at your collar beneath the powerful red bulbs, you crunch along the gravel to your desk past the shedded skins of fellow executives. Gazing out at the surrounding skyscrapers you notice they look like high-rise reptile tanks before catching your reflection in the glass as your tongue flicks out to clean your eyeball.

TAURUS
It’s a shame Jesus wasn’t real. I bet he’d have been great.

GEMINI
After vowing vengeance on the robin that shat on your new Armani jacket, using state-of-the-art aeronautic technology you find the bastard twittering smugly on a branch as if nothing happened. Stealthily you manoeuvre your airship above the tree and with gritted teeth discharge a devastatingly precise human turd onto its tiny head and body, killing it dead.

CANCER
Mayonnaise is not only a sexy alternative to lube, it’s also delicious.

LEO
After getting the heart he always wanted from the Wizard of Oz, the Tin Man goes into cardiac arrest, having failed to request the brain, lungs, liver or circulatory system also necessary to keep the heart alive. The tin idiot.

VIRGO
Your new charitable foundation Comic Hand Relief is surprising successful.

LIBRA
Getting ahead with a bit of nude pre-spring cleaning, while wiping your Time Machine entrance you accidentally press the START button. The metal doors slam shut on your penis and teleport the severed helmet aeons into the past and the picosecond prior to the creation of the Universe. The introduction of your time-travelling glans causes a space-time energy fluctuation which kickstarts the Big Bang. It turns out God was a bell-end after all.

SCORPIO
Your mouth is really just an absence of face.

SAGITTARIUS
Despite being assured that kissing the frog would turn it into a handsome prince, you’re left frustrated when nothing happens. The only logical step is to go all the way, but despite your best efforts there’s still no change. Undeterred, you find yourself engaging in double penetration with two frogs while sucking off a newt. Everybody lives happily ever after.

CAPRICORN
This month you squeeze your entire body into a holdall, zip and padlock it shut on the outside from inside before cleverly squirming into the bathtub. To your surprise you hear leather-gloved applause from a team of MI5 agents in your hallway.

AQUARIUS
The only guests at your birthday party are the crabs that live in your groin. And they leave halfway through.

PISCES 
You perform every activity as if it were a crime, carefully wiping away fingerprints and vacuuming up all hair and skin in your wake. It’s a chore, but you never know when you might want to begin murdering.