Esoteric Christmas Gift Guide 2013

For the third year running I’m joined by my colleague Dr. Darren Icke for the return of our Esoteric Christmas Product Guide, this year brought to you by our colossal friends at OMNICORP®, who are about to release a new anti-ageing cream we’ve been literally wetting the bed about. We can’t wait for the release of this cream, and with it, the release of our beloved families in time for Christmas. Just remember, we have a deal, OMNICORP®. Please.

ALL-SEEING GOOGLY EYE MANTLEPIECE PYRAMID SHRINE (£199.95)

Finding time to praise the mighty nether-dwelling owl god Moloch can be difficult for a hard-working Illuminati Freemason. But this new portable shrine allows you to conveniently make sacrifices in your own home to the All-Seeing Googly Eye who not only sees all, but bounces around in an amusing manner at the same time. Shiver before its springy, unblinking gaze, flexing around the room taking everything in like some incomprehensible force from another dimension. Find yourself awoken in the middle of the night, the eyeball bobbing only inches from your face, whispering terrible ancient secrets that stretch your mind to boggling point. Buy now and get one month of complimentary Illuminati blood rituals as well as a free DVD guide on how to close the swirling demonic portals that will coincidentally start to appear in your home.

HOMEOPATHIC GULLIBILITY CURE (£6.99)

Do you find yourself being taken in by unproven quack remedies, handing over hard-earned money for little more than a few sugar pills or a vial of useless tap water? If that’s the case, you are almost certainly in need of my new Homeopathic Gullibility Cure. It gets to work after only a single gulp, instantly re-energising your incredulity chakras. By building a sceptical particle wall around your naïvety gland it’s also effective at stopping quantum-level trickery, leaving you ready to take on the most unscrupulous potion pedlars and snake oil salesmen. Not only that, the amount of money you’ll save from being conned day and night will allow you to purchase my entire Homeopathic Gullibility Cure Super-Treatment containing over four gallons of doubt-inducing magic water. All for only £7,995! But act fast, before some con-man talks you out of it!

GHOST CHEESE (£11)

One of the more exotic cheeses on the market, ghost cheese is made with the finest churned ectoplasm, hastily collected free-range from haunted castles and cottages across Scotland. The rich texture of the tormented souls delicately trapped inside the cheese tastes simply out of this world and is perfect with a glass of red wine or a hot mug of mulled holy water. Occasionally you may hear the echoing, faraway cries of entombed spirits, but this only adds to the experience. I found the unearthly shrieks which shook the room as I grated the block over my pasta a little over the top, but overall the lamenting phantom groans which precede each bite fail to detract from the creamy taste, which is altogether another realm of flavour.

BALL SAC ANTI-AGeING CREAM – FROM OMNICORP® (£5.99)

More than any other part of the body, the delicate tissue of the male ball bag is prone to rapid ageing, leaving it raisin-like and wrinkled far beyond its years. Over time, your ball sac can also become tired, dry and tangled, leading to an elderly, elbow-ish appearance. That’s why there’s new Ball Sac Anti-Ageing Cream with Derma-Nad® technology to give you smooth, shiny, touchably soft balls. Many still opt for expensive scrotal surgery in an attempt to shed the years, but a recent study found that 9 out of 10 men got the same or similar results* by simply coating their groin in thick layers of this patented cream every morning of their waking lives. The burning, nutrifying formula visibly reduces the appearance of fine lines, making your sac appear firmer, fuller and bursting with life, so you can grab each day by the balls.