Crystal Baws: October 2013 Horoscopes

Feature by Mystic Mark | 30 Sep 2013

ARIES
You just can’t seem to empathise fully with others until you’ve walked around for a day in their skin and hair. It’s the only way you can experience what it’s like to be them inside and understand the stresses they’re under: from a hard day at the office, to picking the kids up from school, all while being pursued by packs of hungry, stray dogs that bite at the flapping bits of skin around your ankles.

TAURUS
In October media executives agree to produce the pilot of your TV show, The Young Adventures of Jesus Christ, starring a roller-skating messiah who teaches Bethlehem how to dance.

GEMINI
Life is like a game of Monopoly: you look like a boot, your house is tiny and you spend half the time in prison.

CANCER
When you talk to your friends down the pub about how many 'birds' you made love to last night they have no idea just how literally your claims should be taken.

LEO
Deciding it’s time you finally dealt with some household chores, you start defrosting the corpse freezer.

VIRGO
While producing a report on how to improve efficiency savings at work, you inadvertently discover the company would actually be better off if all the employees were crushed into bone meal and sold as fertiliser. You dutifully hand in the report to your delighted boss who agrees to implement your recommendations immediately.

LIBRA
Your Jekyll and Hyde personality can manifest itself in a variety of ways. For instance, this month you’ll pass out only to revive days later naked in an empty penguin enclosure surrounded by skinned dolphins, wondering who shat in your pants.

SCORPIO
Much like your ruling planet Mercury it’s unlikely that anyone from Earth will ever touch your pockmarked surface. The chances that anyone in their right mind would ever attempt to visit you are negligible; the vast majority of humans feel quite comfortable observing you in disgust from afar.

SAGITTARIUS
When buying products you are particularly prone to buyer’s remorse. After spending an entire day looking for and purchasing the perfect watch, only a few hours later you can be seen fastening it around the neck of a seagull and crying as you hammer it to death with a brick in a sports sock.

CAPRICORN
After the accident you have to have your groin amputated.

AQUARIUS
As an enraged Daily Express reader, in October your furious attention turns to all the job-shy serf ghosts enjoying the afterlife of Riley in your Victorian townhouse for free.

PISCES
You take comfort from the fact that humans are able to predict with greater accuracy what will happen to the stars than the stars can predict what will happen to humans. That said, this month the stars accurately predict it is actually you who will reach the end of your life cycle and violently explode.