Crystal Baws: August 2013 Horoscopes

ARIES
Finally you go on that holiday to Thailand hoping to find yourself. Instead you end up finding bits of yourself in the hotel shower plug hole after contracting a voracious tropical disease.

TAURUS
Even before Morpheus has finished his speech you’ve already gobbled down both pills and given him a wink. As the effects take hold you start to wish you’d just asked him for a dab of speed instead.

GEMINI
In this life you have found it almost impossible to find your soulmate. You have however met several soul-acquaintances, as well as the occasional soul-fuck-buddy.

CANCER
A bell-end is like a beautiful flower. Once the stalk has grown to a sufficient length without succumbing to disease or being eaten by hungry animals, the protective membrane peels back, releasing a cheesy musk into the air, which in turn attracts bees from the local area who carry its seed to nearby budding orifices.

LEO
This month after damaging your ankles again you decide to just have them scooped out and replaced with old bits of dog.

VIRGO
You spend far too much time in R.E. class contemplating the size and texture of the Lord God’s mighty and omnipotent sphincter.

LIBRA
Devoid of friendships, you decide to put googly eyes on everything in your house, turning it into an anthropomorphised silent hell of staring, judging eyeballs.

SCORPIO
Scorpios are known for the sting in their tail. After contracting a sexually transmitted disease this month it feels like you’re pissing white-hot rolls of barbed wire.

SAGITTARIUS
Saturn’s ring appears so swollen this month, it can be seen with the naked eye. Astronomers advise parents to take care while star-gazing with young children.

CAPRICORN
With your relationship in tatters you explain tearfully how you wish you could unfuck all those people. How you wish you could just spindle all the semen back into your balls like nothing ever happened.

AQUARIUS
Astronomers recommend you regularly check Uranus with a telescope to see if it has been entered by Cancer.

PISCES
At work you don’t feel like you fit, often it seems like you’re just a square dildo being hammered into a round hole.