Crystal Baws: November 2012 Horoscopes

ARIES
Your soul is so jam-packed and weighed down with demons that your local witch-doctor finally classifies it as ‘morbidly obese.’ You should concentrate on doing as much exorcising as you possibly can this November – a regime of 100RPM head spins and a course of projectile bulimia should do the trick.

TAURUS
Thanks to the miracle of nano-technology there is finally a condom that will fit your penis.

GEMINI
In November your spirit animal gets run over by the out-of-control drugged driver of a love bus on the Road to Spiritual Enlightenment. On your knees next to its spasming body you weep tears that turn into tiny rainbows.

CANCER
You do the most obscene handshakes.

LEO
This month you do drugs and you lose everything. You lose your girlfriend, your car, your keys. You even lose your drugs.

VIRGO
Fanatical about paranormal romance stories you go camping in the woods in the hope of meeting the werewolf of your dreams. Searching all night, you happen upon a mangey-haired stray beast cleaning his arse beneath the full moonlight. Beckoning him towards you with treats, he timidly licks your face, which you escalate into a passionate kiss. Trying to put your knickers back on after making love he takes them up in his mouth, forcing you to tug back and forth because he thinks it's a game.

LIBRA
Your dream is to have a house full of furniture upholstered in human skin. Long ago you let that dream die because it was simply impractical and you needed to concentrate on your career. This month though, feeling unfulfilled, you dig your dreams up from their shallow graves and start sewing.

SCORPIO
You spend the whole month hobbling around your flat with your partner like a pair of rutting dogs after you accidentally use UHU glue instead of lube.

SAGITTARIUS
This month you invent a new drinking game. The rules are to drink as much booze as quickly as you can.

CAPRICORN
You often find that sex is little more than a dead-eyed hump towards a barely-remembered goal.

AQUARIUS
Working late into the night at the jewellery workshop you fire up the foundry deciding that it’s about time you smelt your own ring. Sulphurous fumes fill the air and your face becomes drenched in the warm glow. You try it on for size, but your finger gets stuck and you have to cover your hand in soapy liquid before you can squeeze it out.

PISCES
You have a soft-hearted, kinder side. After stomping someone’s skull into a brain and bone jigsaw puzzle because they didn’t like your hat you’ll visit them in hospital and helpfully push grapes into their shattered jaw to say sorry as they writhe around and moan at all the delicious flavours.