Crystal Baws - November Horoscopes

ARIES

You commence November still wriggling on that spike you fell on in October like a grub on a hook, desperately trying to reach your mobile phone with your toes to ring an ambulance, the police, your mum...anyone!

TAURUS

Purchasing that diamond-encrusted 6ft “Lucky Cat” from a Chinese supermarket proves to be one of the wisest decisions you ever made. First you inherit an aquatic reserve full of bulimic whales who gleefully barf up a tonne of precious ambergris every hour. Secondly the Germans wire the Greek bail-out fund into your current account by mistake.

GEMINI

You love the sound sheep make when you bring them to a leg-shaking, teeth-protruding orgasm.

CANCER

Making enforced small talk about what you do the RBS teller never expects a whispered confession that by night you don a rubber crab suit and rid the streets of evil-doers. Furthermore, you are hot on the stinking trail of your arch nemesis Gastro, a diabolical super-tramp who keeps staggering in and defecating in your close.

LEO

After getting caught ogling the Playboy constellation by Venus, love-rat Mars is ejected from the Solar System by protective Jupiter. Back on Earth, in a bid to reignite your flaccid libido with alternative remedies you recycle your homeopathic Viagra by drinking your own piss.

VIRGO

Your aura is made out of chunky brown bovine energy.

LIBRA

That new job’s not all it’s cracked up to be and has you ageing faster than someone who’s swigged from the wrong Holy Grail. Like Nick Clegg, for example.

SCORPIO

Standing in the shower fully-clothed with all the lights off pretending you're in a sinking submarine is not a healthy way to spend your days off.

SAGITTARIUS

November finds you deeply moved by a co-worker’s chronicles of scaling Mt. Everest for charity, about the scene he beheld below; a breathtaking carpet of cloud, the curvature of the Earth visible. You always wanted to drink in the majesty and wonderment of such a profound sight with your own eyes, it's just you can't be arsed.

CAPRICORN

Your cock and balls are a ball and chain. Chop them off.

AQUARIUS

You still believe the Queen isn't a shape-shifting lizard wearing a badly-fitting human suit. That's fine, I'm not judging you, all I'm asking is that you open your eyes and WAKE THE FUCK UP!

PISCES

A strange happiness engulfs you as Neptune enters your sign. Meanwhile the hitherto undiscovered alien entities inhabiting Neptune spawned in the month of November dismiss the fact that Earth is currently entering their signs. Their swollen, pulsating brain lobes and cortical sacs allow their kind to be unaffected by the bassy waves of psychic scat interminably woofering from Earth.