Skinny Jeans

Since the (probably tartan) carpet is soon to be rolled out for this year's Scottish Fashion Awards (29 June, Stirling Castle), Skinny Jeans has decided it's high time we handed out a few gongs of our own. The Jeans awards ceremony – though imaginary – was a lavish affair, with a celebrity-packed denim carpet, a rammed paparazzi pit, and a PR rottweiler on the door, paid to check off names, yell into her Britney-mic, and make sure Peaches Geldof didn't get in. 'The Jeanies' (as popular slang will inevitably dub them) were founded five minutes ago to pass out Golden Rivets to those who truly deserve them – one of whom not at all banally remarked on how heavy the trophy was. And so, we laughed, we cried, and we drank champagne inside our own minds till dawn. And the winners are:

Best Fashion Comeback: Leggings

Who'd have thought that the humble legging would have the tenacity to fight its way back on to the legs of the fashion forward, barely a decade after its apparently permanent relegation to the dumpster of twee. With even the stirrup variety invited to the party, the legging gets extra Fonzie Cool Points for biding its time all those years, most frequently clinging to the heaving stems of Jerry Springer guests. We might not always like you; but by god, do we respect you.

Most Likely to Facilitate the End of Said Comeback: Lindsay Lohan

Trust Lohan to get over excited and ruin the party for everyone. Fresh from a stint in the altogether on the front of New York Magazine in’homage’ to Marilyn Monroe, LiLoh has gone that extra, respectful mile and dedicated a line of stretchy pants to Norma Jean. Named 6126 – after Monroe's birthday – Lohan's range of shiny, patterned, and zippered leggings are set to hit US stores soon. God speed, spandex; we're not sure you'll get out of this one.

Most Anticipated Collaboration: Comme des Garçons for H&M

Coming this Autumn. We will not be responsible for our actions.

Most Inappropriate Use of Celebrity Endorsement: Kurt Cobain for Converse

Though we have major love for Courtney, we're not sure selling the rights to Cobain's notebooks to the company whose black One-Star kicks remain the lasting photographic image of her deceased husband's body is in everyone’s' best interests. Nevertheless, a range of special edition trainers is on its way, emblazoned with Cobain's illustrations, lyrics, and notebook doodles. The most unseemly choice amongst this vat of unseemliness? Naming one set of styles the 'Distressed' edition. Too far, no?

The Jennifer Aniston Award for achievements in the generic: Girls Aloud

Though their contributions to blissfully bubbly pop cannot be faulted, the faintly radioactive sheen that now hovers over this five-piece is one scented by a combination of Fake Bake and GHD-scorched hair. This, my friends, is a recipe for beauty as taken from the WAG cookbook. Extensions mixed with taut, tanned tummies and garnished with a Beckham-esque camera hyper-awareness sadly amounts to five courses of pathological glossiness whose aroma is pure FHM. Boring, boring, and yet more boring.

Lifetime Achievement Award for services to fashion rebellion: Chloe Sevigny

If a silver 5p piece was polished up and handed over every time La Sevigny was referenced in the course of these pages, there would not only be enough to purchase those Vivienne Westwood boots I've had laser-printed onto my pillow, but also to put on the Jeanies for real, denim carpet and all. It is often helpful, I find, to imagine the spirit of Sevigny overseeing proceedings at all times, tutting and nodding as appropriate, and coming at the world with a set of dressmaking scissors and vintage accessories. Very much like a big, blonde, interventionist deity in gladiator sandals, French plaits and two coats of MAC Ruby Woo. The WWCD? wristbands are at the printers.