G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Upon its cinema release, many called this cynical toy commercial “the live action Team America”. This is unfair: that movie had more wit and ideas in a single frame than this gubbins manages in nearly two hours. Actually, that’s unfair, because for all its faults, G.I. Joe does have one impressively staged set-piece (in Paris, no less) and the impossibly attractive ladies in catsuits provide the obligatory “bit of blue for the dads”. The “dads”, however, and anyone over the age of 10, will be as mortified as anyone else at the sheer risibility of the enterprise. Mummy man Sommers pitches the film at a very young (or stupid) audience, and hopes the grown ups will be appeased with eye candy and some cosy sense of nostalgia for Saturday morning action cartoons. Unfortunately, the movie only reminds you of just how much of your childhood was wasted watching such garbage, for like Transformers, this is lazy, superficial, borderline fascistic claptrap. [Steven Dalziel]