Mastodon's Dirty Dozen – July, 2009

Reviewing Personnel:
Troy Sanders (vocals/bass)
Brann Dailor (drums)
Bill Kelliher (guitar)
Brent Hinds (vocals/guitar)
Darren Sanders (Troy’s Brother and Guitar Tech)

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Girls – Hellhole Ratrace (Fantasytrashcan, 6 July)
Troy: This could come in handy at 3am in the morning, if you’re standing by yourself in a bar feeling that you just need a good cry to make yourself feel better.
Brann: Right when you realise that the woman you’ve been courting and trying to sleep with is a man.
Troy: It’s the perfect soundtrack to that scenario.
Brann: Buy that man a revolver.
Dave: Marks out of ten?
Brann: If we’re talking about playing this in a situation where you find out that your girlfriend’s penis is bigger than yours...
Troy: Then it’s a ten. We just put a sweetly positive twist on that one.

Knifeworld – Pissed Up On Brake Fluid (Believers Roast, 13 July)
Troy: This is the first song you play at your house party, that’ll get it going. Right, Darren?
Darren: Yeah, this’d get me going. I’d take my pants off to this.
Troy: Knifeworld, you say? I like it.
Brann: I like it too. There’s a little Foo Fighters in there, but not on purpose...sounds like they’ve been doing this for a long time.
Troy: It’s got a little Bob Mould in there. A little Sugar. Ten out of ten stars.

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The Victorian English Gentlemens Club – Parrot (This is Fake DIY, 6 July)
Troy: If you have eleven syllables in your name, you already have a lot going against you. But I like this. It sounds like something my little gay brother would play all the time.
Darren: Once again, correct, I can’t believe you got that.
Brann: Sounds like the 80s. We’ve got to rate that, how many stars?
Troy: I’m going to say five and a half.
Brann: Five.
Troy: Can we just meet in the middle, say five and a quarter?

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Three Trapped Tigers – 7/1 (Too Pure, 6 July)
Troy: They’re not as good as Journey; nobody’s as good as Journey. Sounds like you’re at a weird party with a bunch of freaks; everybody’s dressed nicer than you and they’re listening to this.
Brann: And you’re way too fucked up. You’re like ‘where’s the bathroom?’ Of course, there’s also some dude with over-styled glasses dancing in your face.
Troy: Clap your hands, everybody.
Brann: It sounds like a strobelight.
Troy: It sounds like a disco ball, French-kissing a snow globe. Three Trapped Tigers. I wonder if they’re smart people...if they’re real nerds. I can see them going apeshit in their little practice room.
Brann: This should’ve been the soundtrack to Star Wars.
Troy: I like that party now, but it was weird at first.
Brann: I’d certainly stay now. But I’d ask them to please turn it down a little bit. I’m going to give this an eight.
Troy: I too was thinking eight, let’s do eight.

Flashguns – Matching Hearts / Similar Parts (Blue Flowers, 13 July)
Troy: This is picnic music. I want to hold hands with a girl.
Dave: Where would you say Flashguns are from, at a guess?
Brann: The woods.
Troy: Manchester. This sounds like a summer afternoon; you make a sandwich then you go outside and eat it. That’s what this song reminds me of. In that circumstance it’s very good.
Brann: Set the boombox up in the corner, then mow the lawn so you can’t hear it.
Troy: In the context of making a sandwich, it’s a good seven.

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Mr Hudson feat. KanYe West – Supernova (Mercury, 20 July)
Dave: What’s your position on KanYe?
Troy: I think he’s awesome (sings “I don’t want no RoboCop”)
Brann: I really don’t like the ultra effected vocals, though.
Troy: True, that vocal effect has been heavily abused this past year.
Brann: Ever since that Cher song, where it was like: ‘Hey, it’s OK that we can’t sing, let’s do this!”
Troy: I don’t really care for this tune, though.
Brann: It’s reminding me of Britney Spears or something. End it.
Troy: Not as good as RoboCop.
Brann: Zero.
Troy: Meh, I’m going to say two. Collectively it’s a one.

Dan Black – Symphonies (Polydor, 6 July)
Dave: Some trivia for you: essentially this is a track salvaged from a session where Dan Black had spliced elements of the soundtrack to Starman with the drums to Umbrella and layered lyrics by Notorious B.I.G. over the top. Black couldn’t get clearance on the Biggie lyrics though, so he released this instead....
Brann: Why doesn’t he make his own music? Then he wouldn’t have to worry about it.
20 seconds later...
Brann: I hate it, turn it off.
Dave: Pish?
Troy: Zero.
Brann: I want to be funny about it...
Troy: But it just bums you out so bad you can’t possibly be funny.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Heads Will Roll (Polydor, 6 July)
Dave: Fans of Karen-O?
Brann: Yeah, yeah, yeah... I’ve always liked her voice. This sounds like you’re in the shower with a pretty girl, getting all soapy. I like this song, it just sounds like bubbles floating everywhere.
Troy: I could go shopping to this.
Brann: Yeah? That’s not cool.
Troy: But it’d inspire me to do that, that’s the power of music.
Brann: Alright then.
Troy: I want to hear the rest of that album now.
Brann: Me too.
Troy: That’s a perfect ten.

Remember Remember – The Dancing (Rock Action, 6 July)
Troy: It’s quite like Q and Not U, this is a grower.
Dave: Can you describe the party, Troy?
Troy: Stagnant. Everybody’s just sitting down on couches, not talking to one another.
Brann: I’m thinking about messing with their drinks. If you put this on your playlist you need to revaluate your definition of a party. This is a jogging song...
Troy: Only if you’re going long-distance, it’s not stopping. I’d like to hear the whole album, this sounds like a piece of the puzzle.
Brann: I think it’s artistic and cool. It’s a lot fucking better than that KanYe song, or that other douche.
Troy: Mr Hudson?
Brann: That guy who stole the music from Starman. This is a seven.

Professor Green – Hard Night Out (Green Music, 6 July)
Dave: A collaborator of The Streets, this man.
Brann: I haven’t heard enough of The Streets to judge.
Troy: “Boing!”
Brann: This song makes me feel like I’m in the back of a car with a bunch of people I don’t really know too well, they have this music up really loud and they’re going to do something bad...probably rob somebody. Now, I don’t necessarily want to get out, but I’m asking myself ‘how did I get into this situation?’
Troy: It’s uncomfortable, but you can’t do anything about it.
Brann: It’s a good song, though; I’m just telling you where it puts me mentally.
Troy: It’s certainly dancey and upbeat. I love the ‘boing’ part; I’m going to give it a high grade because of that.
Bill enters: What are you doing?
Brann: We’re reviewing.
Troy: It’s an eight, the most annoying eight I’ll ever give.

The Twang – Barney Rubble (B-Unique, 6 July)
Brann: I’m not familiar with The Twang...
Dave: They’re pretty big over here, not quite sure why...
Troy: Sounds like Coldplay, good make out music. Slow kisses, right Bill?
Bill: Under the shirt, over the bra.
Troy: Or, if you were working in the garage and had some shit to do...
Brann: Stop right there, you would not put this on in a garage.
Troy: I would. That’s the only time I’d listen to it; in the garage, organising tins of paint.
Bill: It’s not bad, needs a little metal.
Brann: This sounds like some English guy in his mid 30s got stood up in a bar. He’s holding a scotch and water, eyes set on the doorway, with every person that comes in he gets all excited. But it’s not her, it’s never her. He just ends up getting wasted and making a fool out of himself, and this song’s playing the whole fucking time.
Troy: That’s a four.
Dave [hands the single to Troy]: Take this home and warn the people of Atlanta.
Brann: If you play that on the bus I’ll kill you.

Green Day – 21 Guns (Warner, 13 July)
Troy: Cell phones up everybody.
Brent [enters, stares at the pack of Irn Bru on the table]: Is this shit good for hangovers?
Dave: Highly recommended...
Brent [takes a can and walks back out the door]
Troy: They’ve got three guitar players now, what’s going on? They used to be three dudes!
Brann: Don’t bore us, get to the chorus...
Troy: Sounds like Billy Joe had some vocal coaching. This record solidifies them as the biggest...whatever this type of music is...they’re the biggest in the world.
Dave: Stadium Rock?
Troy: Yeah, Stadium Rock, they’re on the journey to Aerosmith...
Bill: It reminds me a little of Neil Young – Heart of Gold.
Troy: I’ve liked Green Day since 1989, I bought the EP at Ear X-tacy in Louisville, Kentucky right before the Dookie record came out. I’ve liked that band ever since.
Brann: I think Green Day’s awesome, but this felt a little flat to me. It’s a five.

Dave: So what's the cream of the crop?
Brann: Well, the cream of the crap would be Mr Hudson featuring KanYe, and Dan Black.   
Troy: But the cream of the crop? That'd be the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Three Trapped Tigers.