Crystal Baws: September 2014 Horoscopes

Feature by Mystic Mark | 01 Sep 2014

ARIES
After tasting your sperm the witch doctor concedes that you probably have a low sperm count. His prescription is to sleep with a decorative pejazzle of carnelian and chrysoprase crystals over your sac. Due to the healing potency of the crystals, by dawn wild bunches of new balls have grown like grapes all over your groin. With a sperm count that’s out of control, desperately you dig through layer upon layer of excess new ball to find the crystals as the rest of your body sinks beneath a clammy grave of gland.

TAURUS
Your DNA sequence is absolutely riddled with typos.

GEMINI
If you want a vision of the future, imagine an arse shitting on a human face – forever.

CANCER
The worst part of going to the dentist is the bit when your owner crams you in the cat basket.

LEO
You wouldn’t be caught dead fucking a necrophiliac.

VIRGO
This month you finally begin following through at work on all your tasks, goals and farts.

LIBRA
As the great philosopher Kanye West said, that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

SCORPIO
After a brutal assault on Sagittarian spaceports, asteroid mining facilities and planetary destructo-rays, triumphant Scorpio forces finally crush the barbaric regime and take control of the Sagittarian system. As marine-bots clack their claws against the docking bay of Orbital Space Command HQ, via hologram the segment-bodied Scorpion commander urges the remaining population to save themselves by swearing an oath of obedience to Krarlak, Destroyer of Moons.

NEW SCORPIO
This month evil Scorpio forces invade your star sign, putting your beloved Sagittarian Space Emperor to the laser guillotine and enslaving your sign under the iron fist of Krarlak for all eternity. Billions of Sagittarian refugees stream into space or are turned into glue by the merciless occupiers. Next month your sign will be assimilated completely, so please check the bumper two-part Scorpio horoscope. Hail Krarlak!

CAPRICORN
This month someone steals most of your car.

AQUARIUS
The worst things in life are also free.

PISCES
As a Christian and a Daily Mail reader, you’re furious about the shocking number of foreigners St. Peter allows through Heaven’s 'open gate' every year. To counter, in September you commence an intensive anti-missionary campaign to the developing world to try and cunningly convert people away from your faith.

twitter.com/themysticmark http://facebook.com/themysticmark